The Aldersgate Gazette

Church Campaign Has Unintended Consequences

2011-02-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

The United Methodist Church’s “Rethink Church” campaign has apparently been too successful for its own good. Thousands of longtime church members have taken the campaign’s idea that “spirituality—and church—doesn’t have to be confined to a building, or to a Sunday, to be real” far more seriously than the designers had intended. These formerly good United Methodists have resigned from committees, stopped attending worship and even asked to be dropped from the membership rolls.

Edna Scott spoke for the estimated 12,000 who have dropped out of church after rethinking it. “I’d been attending church regularly for 25 years,” she said. “Then I read the web site where it says ‘look around and see what you think.’ I did, and I was appalled. I can’t believe I wasted so many good years of my life sitting in that dusty old sanctuary with all those people I can’t stand.” Edna got out within a week. She severed all ties with her former congregation. Now she says she has time to do more things that really matter, like walking her dog and taking a leisurely coffee on Sunday morning.

Stan Farkleson, one of the many who left the church after exploring “Rethink Church,” described the experience as liberating. “I loved the part about learning to ‘navigate life’ and ‘care deeply about others and their life stories,’ and it suddenly hit me that I don’t need a weak and declining church in order to do that.” Farkleson left his church and joined a book club.

Denominational officials were scrambling for solutions when a commissioned study revealed that while the campaign was driving out thousands, only 6 people nationwide had visited a United Methodist worship service due to the “Rethink Church” advertising and web site. Some employees of United Methodist Communications suggested revising the concept to “Rethink Church, but Don’t Quit” or a similar idea. Unfortunately, because the denomination’s General Conference does not meet until 2012, no significant changes can be made unless the Conference votes to approve them at that time. A member of the Council of Bishops who wished to remain anonymous admitted that the church could hemorrhage another 30,000 members before the campaign could be “retooled with a new paradigm and a new vision.”

The effectiveness study demonstrated that a full 61% of current members who viewed “Rethink Church” literature were subsequently “seriously disturbed” at the state of the church, while 17% checked the category “this confirms we’re lame.” Only 8% were either “moderately pleased” or “tickled pink,” while an additional 11% marked “we’re screwed.” The final 3% of those surveyed could not read.

These results are particularly deflating when compared with those of the target audience, unchurched adults in the age range of 25-45 who have money and/or children. Only one adult of the 2,492 surveyed indicated a positive experience with the materials, adding in the comments section, “I guess I could try being Mormon.” Approximately 59% of respondents either checked “what the heck is this?” or “I think this turned me into an atheist.” Nearly 36% observed the United Methodist logo and wondered why the church believed in the practice of burning crosses. About 5% of the responses were illegible or obscene.

Retired Bishop Francine McWatters said that though the problems with “Rethink Church” are serious, the church has faced—and overcome—such challenges before. “This isn’t the worst of our marketing mistakes,” she said in a telephone interview. “I remember our “Bring a Leper to Church” campaign of the early 80s. We really should have thought that one through more carefully.”

McWatters’ optimism shined through in her concluding comment: “We’re not buried yet. Our obituary may have been written, and our grave might have been dug, but we’re only half in the grave.” Half in the grave indeed.

Churches Respond to Swine Flu with Faith and Formalin

2009-06-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

The initial furor over the Swine Flu outbreak has diminished in recent weeks, but not everyone is pleased. “We can use a little panic now and again to keep us on our toes,” says John Svenson, pastor of Jamestown Lutheran Church in Hillsboro, Oregon. “We need to remain vigilant. ‘Keep awake!’ as Jesus said. Who knows when the next pandemic will hit?”

Even as the flood of news reports coming out of Mexico was still a trickle, Svenson and his flock were planning their strategy. The church’s Committee on Health and Wellness began monitoring CNN 24-hours a day and studying the spread of the virus via the Internet. The group soon had a few simple guidelines to help parishioners protect themselves.

Pastor John Svenson serves Holy Communion
to parishioners at Jamestown Lutheran.

The list included the usual suggestions such as “wash your hands frequently” and “cover your mouth and nose when you sneeze,” but also more intensive steps such as “purchase a hazmat suit” and “build an airtight underground shelter in your back yard.” The committee added some new procedures for all church gatherings, including worship.

Committee chairperson Jean Hawkins sent out a mass e-mail and church wide mailing explaining the new rules. “People didn’t respond too well at first,” said Hawkins, “but after they understood the magnitude of the Swine Flu, they committed themselves to cooperating. Plus, Pastor John threatened to excommunicate anyone who didn’t comply. That was very helpful.”

Some members, however, never did get with the program. “There was no way I was going to let them dunk my kids in a formalin bath before they could go in to Sunday School,” said a visibly upset Carl Hightower. “It was one thing to go through the decontamination chamber, but the bath was overkill.”

Another rule considered onerous by some was the requirement that all worship leaders—including members of the Altar Guild—purchase personal hazmat suits to be worn at all times within the sanctuary. A $200 Disease Control assessment was also sent to members and constituents on the church’s roster. Those who have not yet paid are excluded from Holy Communion.

Other congregations, such as Trinity United Methodist Church in Hiller, Nebraska, established voluntary measures to prevent the spread of the H1N1 virus. “Our folks were very happy to pitch in,” said pastor Mary Lou Stetson. “We see this plague for what it truly is—one of the signs of the end times. Satan has many weapons, and if he wants to attack us with a bundle of RNA within a lipid envelope, we’ll proudly put on our hazmat suits of faith.”

Two congregants participate in the Passing of the Peace at Trinity
United Methodist in Hiller, Nebraska.

Stetson agrees that the new policies—she no longer makes hospital visits, and the congregation uses “pretend” bread and juice for communion, for example—make ministry a little more difficult, but she is willing to sacrifice for the sake of the kingdom of God. “Even if I never touch another human being again,” she said, a tear rolling down her cheek behind the faceplate of her contamination suit, “it will all be worth it, to know that I have played a role in God’s great plan of salvation.”

Israel, Palestine Will Give Peace a Chance

2008-05-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

AP--Israelis and Palestinians have achieved a momentous breakthrough in their decades-long struggle for peace. After years of conflict, yesterday’s signing of a peace treaty came as a shock. The biggest surprise, however, was that both parties give credit to the National Council of Churches of Christ (NCC) for providing the impetus for the historic events.

Earlier this spring, the NCC passed the resolution “A Call for Peace in Palestine.” The statement declared that “since both Israelis and Palestinians are human beings of sacred worth in the eyes of their Creator, both parties should immediately cease all violence and other acts that demean or injure God’s children in the region.”

The resolution also asked for an immediate meeting between the Israeli government, and representatives of Hamas, Fatah and the Palestinian Authority in order to hammer out an agreement that would allow Palestinian civilians free passage into and out of Israeli-occupied territories. It would also immediately restore services such as electricity and water to those areas. Israeli troops would agree to withdraw fully from Gaza and the West Bank within 6 weeks. In return, the Palestinian organizations would cease all attacks against Israel and would recognize Israel’s right to exist.

Since every other effort at peace thus far has ended in miserable failure, no one had any expectations that the NCC’s call for peace would succeed. Yet, against all odds, that is exactly what happened.

Khaled Haniyeh, a Hamas negotiator, said the NCC resolution provided a moment of stunning clarity for the leadership of Hamas. “We had all been sitting around waiting eagerly for the latest NCC resolution to hit the web site. When it did, and we read the phrase that said people on both sides are of sacred worth, well, it was like a lamp had suddenly been lit in a dark room revealing a truth that had been there all along.”

Benjamin Harel, a senior member of the Cabinet of Israel, says the Israelis had a similar reaction. “The National Council of Churches hit the nail on the head,” said Harel. “It was so clear. Why were we still fighting one another when God just wanted us all to live in peace?”

Within hours, both sides had agreed to meet, and a short time later, the framework for a new treaty was in place. Israelis and Palestinians will from now on “respect one another’s full personhood,” will share an open border, and will keep radio volume to a “tolerable” level after 10:00pm.

NCC General Secretary Michael Kinnamon has only been on the job since last November, and he is humble about this historic accomplishment. “I can see the Spirit of God involved in this process,” he said in a telephone interview. “All we did was write the resolution, debate it, and then vote. God did the rest.”

Even the most skeptical Middle East experts think this peace has a chance to last for a very long time. “There’s something different about the process this time,” said Francis Moody, a director at the Middle East Peace Initiative. “Personally, I think it’s the resolution from the NCC. Everybody knows that resolutions from church councils are extremely effective. I don’t know why we didn’t try this sooner.”

The NCC hopes its next effort will be just as successful. At the next General Assembly, the Council will tackle an even tougher challenge. It hopes to alleviate tensions between Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees fans with a resolution entitled “If You Can’t Cheer, Don’t Say Anything at All.”

Man Asks for Fish, Gets Snake Instead

2008-05-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

Jeremy Lamont went fishing and nearly lost his faith in God. It was not that the Big One got away. In fact, he never even got his line into the water. Instead, Lamont ended up in the emergency room at a local hospital, his right arm looking like a giant sausage.

On a warm Saturday afternoon, Lamont decided to take a break from preparing his adult Bible study lesson by going fishing. The text for the lesson had been Luke 11:9, “Ask, and it will be given you.”

“I figured,” said Lamont, “that I would put the scripture into practice.”

He had seen a fat trout beneath an overhang along the river, and for weeks had been trying to catch it. “I tried everything: worms, grasshoppers, lures, even flies. Nothing worked. Then, as I was approaching the river, I remembered a few more verses, particularly, ‘Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for a fish, will give a snake instead of a fish?’

“It seemed like the perfect situation,” continued Lamont. “The Bible spoke about asking for a fish, and here I was, fishing. I prayed, over and over, ‘God, let me catch that fish.’”

At that very moment, Lamont stumbled. As he fell, he tried to protect his valuable fishing rod from damage, and stuck out a hand to catch his balance against a rock. His hand instead slipped between two rocks, where a rattlesnake, hiding in the crevasse, bit Lamont.

“Fortunately, I wasn’t that far from the car, but it hurt like Hades all the way to the hospital. It felt like my hand was in a lake of fire,” he said.

Despite suffering intense pain and severe swelling in his hand and arm, Lamont’s doctors expect him to recover fully. In the meantime, Lamont has given over his Sunday School duties to his assistant for the next several weeks, and he is not sure whether he will ever return.

“My faith has been shaken somewhat. I asked for a fish and got bit by a rattler. Either God has a sense or humor, or He doesn’t exist.”

Churches Share Help with Al Qaeda

2008-04-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

The War on Terror is a new kind of war. In order to fight this new war, the CIA has been using novel, untested techniques. The latest strategy is to enlist mainline Christian churches for the battle.

The CIA has been recruiting special agents from churches and denominational offices across the country. These agents will then infiltrate Al Qaeda cells in order to teach the terrorist groups one of the staples of modern church life: paperwork. The concept is that the more Al Qaeda is mired in bureaucracy, the less it is able to engage in effective terrorism.

A high-level CIA employee who spoke only on condition of anonymity (though his name rhymes with “Pomas Tarker”) was involved in the first wave of recruiting church members. He said the idea developed from a report that suggested that Al Qaeda is already suffering from organizational malaise. “We hope that by introducing church bureaucrats into Al Qaeda, we can speed the process, and that will lead to a rapid, widespread collapse [of the terrorist organization],” he said.

The September report was released by the Combating Terrorism Center at the United States Military Academy at West Point. The report includes memos from Al Qaeda supervisors who complain about questionable use of funds and sick leave, and failing to submit proper vouchers to Al Qaeda accountants.

The Los Angeles Times, in a story on April 16 (Sebastian Rotella, “Al Qaeda crosses the Ts in ‘terrorist’”), said, “[Captured documents] depict an organization obsessed with paperwork and penny-pinching and afflicted with a damaging propensity for feuds.”

The story also quoted a British official who said that the “blindingly obdurate nature” of the bureaucracy can be deduced from “the retirement packages they offered, the lists of members in Iraq, the insecure attitude about their membership, [and] the rifts among leaders and factions.”

This is precisely why using church members as undercover agents makes such good sense, insists the CIA employee whose name rhymes with Pomas Tarker.

“Churches already know how to do this stuff well,” he said. “Every mainline denomination in the land is up to its ears in paperwork, regulation and institutional doublespeak. They are worried about membership and paying the bills. As churches become more effective at maintaining their institutions, they are becoming less effective at fulfilling their primary mission.

“If we can infect Al Qaeda with that disease,” he continued, “then perhaps they’ll lose members as fast as our churches. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”

Dial "1" and the Number of the Beast

2008-04-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

Bartholomew Dawkins, Staff Writer

Even in the best of situations, telephone area code splits carry the potential of public protest. Businesses must cover the expense of changing stationery. Reprogramming numbers in cell phones and databases is time consuming, and certain area codes--like some zip codes--carry a status that current customers do not want to lose.

The proposed area code split in Florida is not the best of situations, far from it. In March, BellSouth Telecommunications announced it would spawn a new code from the 904 area of Florida’s Atlantic coast. Residents of St. Augustine and nearby communities were immediately up in arms over their new area code, and their outrage was expressed more strongly than usual.

The reason? BellSouth proposed 666 as the new code.

“It’s the mark of the beast,” growled Pastor Tim Robbinsky of Holy Ghost Dove of Peace Apostolic Temple. “BellSouth wants to give the devil a foothold in our nation. If you give that forked-tongued, hoof-footed creature an inch, he’ll take a mile every time. This cannot be allowed to stand.”

“Is this a joke?” St. Augustine Chamber of Commerce President Leonora Poe wondered. “They can’t be serious about this. It would be mean death for our business community.”

BellSouth representatives would not comment on the record, but one employee promised that the 666 area code was not a joke and that the company “has a good reason for this.” It should also be noted that BellSouth’s hold music at the corporate office is a selection of muzac versions of AC/DC, Black Sabbath and Miley Cyrus songs.

Telecommunications expert and theologian Marcus Borg said that BellSouth might not have much of a choice. “There are only so many three-digit numbers available, and it is widely known that AT&T already has all the good ones.”

Most people in St. Augustine do not care why BellSouth chose 666. They are demanding a new number. “I don’t care if we get triple zero. Just give us anything but 666,” said Hillary McCain, president of the hastily formed “St. Augustinians Against Satan,” a collection of citizens who want BellSouth to reconsider.

Not everyone, however, is upset at the potential change. Carl Clements, owner of Satan’s Kittens, a strip club in Old Town, is thrilled. “How perfect is this? We’ll be getting a ton of free publicity out of our new 666 code.

“By the way, Tuesdays are Ladies’ Nights,” noted Clements.

An Ancient Mystery: Could Jesus Baptize Himself?

2008-01-09T16:50:00.000-08:00

This is the first in a series of articles on the pressing theological issues of our era.

James Choate-Munitz, Staff Writer

This Sunday, many churches will be remembering one of the key moments in Jesus’ life: his baptism. In the Gospel according to Matthew, John the Baptist protests, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?” (Matthew 3:14, NRSV) Jesus, however, is undeterred, and tells John that the act is necessary to fulfill “righteousness.”

Some scholars have maintained that this incident was embarrassing to the early Christian Church, but that the faithful saw it as a necessary part of Jesus’ story. The question that has caused the most bitter disputes throughout the centuries, however, is whether it was absolutely necessary that John baptize the Messiah, or whether Jesus might have been able to baptize himself. This issue opened up a bitter feud in the first generation of Christians, and has only become more acrid in the years since.

The earliest evidence of the rift between those who claimed that Jesus really baptized himself and those who say the scriptures are correct comes from the Gnostic Gospel of Marcus Hissyfit. In that text, disciples Peter and Bartholomew got into a slap fight over the issue. Bartholomew said he would only admit John baptized Jesus “‘over my dead body.’ Peter said, ‘Fine by me,’ and the slapping did commence.” (Gospel of Marcus Hissyfit 21:17, Phillips translation)

A mosaic found in a late 1st Century Roman bath at a private home illustrates how popular the idea of Jesus’ self-baptism had become. The colorful tile renders an image of Jesus pouring water over his own head while a dove hovers above. A figure in the distance, presumably John the Baptist, looks on in amazement. In the lower right corner are the words, in Latin, that read, “Paul said it; I believe it; that settles it.”

Most historians acknowledge that this question directly led to the split between the Roman and Orthodox branches of the faith. The Roman Church argued that Jesus was not ordained and thus not able to baptize anyone. John was a baptizer only by special dispensation from God. The Orthodox theologians countered with the assertion that the Holy Spirit himself ordained Jesus in a quiet ceremony in Galilee before Jesus sought out the waters of the Jordan River. Eventually, the argument sparked violence in the streets and historic division in the Church.

For many centuries, Jesus’ baptism took a back seat to questions about whether or not priests should be allowed to play cards or if it were acceptable for lay people to say the word “Nebuchadnezzar.” Then, a priest named Martin Luther came along to shake the very foundations of his Church.

In 1517, Luther hammered his “One Great Truth Along with 95 Theses” onto a Laundromat door in Wittenburg, Germany. He wrote that “Jesus the Christ, Our Savior, did baptize himself, forever breaking the Devil’s hold on mankind.” The remaining theses, Luther told his mailman, were “really rather unimportant compared to that One Great Truth.” The Protestant Reformation had begun.

Today, most scholars believe that John baptized Jesus, though Jesus could have baptized himself if he wanted to. A few, however, still hold firmly to the idea that Jesus did perform self-baptism. The most notable in the latter group are theologians of the Church of Jesus Christ of Self-baptized Saints. Their argument is that close textual analysis shows that the hidden message in the Gospels is that Jesus baptized himself in the Jordan River.

Not surprisingly, members of the SBS, as the church is frequently known, are persecuted for their faith. It is illegal in 16 states for SBS members to marry one another, and in 9 states, church members cannot purchase root beer.

From the earliest days of the Christian faith, Jesus’ baptism has sparked debate. Could Jesus really have had the authority to baptize himself, as some suggest? Or did John the Baptist do the deed, as the Roman Catholic Church and the Gospels attest? Whatever your opinion, remember one thing: self-baptism is punishable by death in the electric chair in the state of Texas.

Reality Series Offers the "Real" Christmas

2007-12-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

The ION television network has finally decided to jump into the reality series ring. Network executives, frustrated with the commercialization of Christmas, will be striking a blow for the true meaning of Christmas with a new reality mini-series called No Room.

The four-part show will record the adventures of eight unwed pregnant teens and their boyfriends as they seek to rent a room from private homeowners in a number of locations throughout Los Angeles County. Camera crews will follow each couple from house to house, recording triumphs and failures.

At the end of each of the first three shows--to run December 21 through 23--two couples will be eliminated from competition. The last episode will air at 7:00pm on Christmas Eve, and the top two couples will battle for victory. The winning pair will receive $500 in food stamps and a free night’s stay at one of the Wyndham family of hotels, the series’ primary sponsor.

Contestants will be given points based upon how well they complete certain tasks, and a panel of three celebrity judges--Cardinal Roger Mahony, Crystal Cathedral Pastor Robert Schuller, and J. Edwin Bacon, Rector at All Saints’ Episcopal Church in Pasadena--will give each couple style points, depending upon how well the participants quote scripture and use the other tools of emotional blackmail at their disposal. The couples with the lowest scores will be eliminated, and uniformed Los Angeles County Sheriff’s deputies will escort the losers to jail for trespassing.

ION, formerly known as the faith-based PAX network, believes it has hit upon the right formula both to boost sagging ratings and to remind the viewing public that Christmas is about “what happens in the heart,” according to a press release. Program Director Kris Kringofferson says the timing of the final episode could not be more appropriate. “Christmas Eve is the best time for people to watch television,” he said. “All the stores are closed by then anyway, and there’s nothing else to do. Americans naturally turn to their TVs for comfort.”

Not everyone is happy with No Room. The advocacy group Americans for Atheism and Killing Baby Seals (AAKBS) plans to picket ION headquarters until the network agrees to cancel the show. “Religion should keep its hands off Christmas,” said Joseph Shepherd, AAKBS President. “ION is sticking its nose where it doesn’t belong. Christmas has always been about racking up unsecured debt, and it always will be.”

ION’s Executive Vice President Stan Klaus insists the show will go on. “Protests are nothing new to us. We have never caved in to pressure before, and we won’t give in now. You can count on the fact that at 8:00pm on Christmas Eve, one couple will be going to a hotel, and one couple will be going to jail, just like that first Christmas.”

Take Me Out to the Church Service

2007-10-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

Thousands of churches have experienced declining attendance in recent years, while in the same period, attendance at major league baseball games has steadily increased. Some church workers like Shaun Giamatti believe baseball can teach congregations.

“Baseball has something we are missing,” said Giamatti. “They get crowds of 40 to 50 thousand every night—unless you’re the [Tampa Bay] Devil Rays, of course—and we’re lucky to get 150 once a week. That begs the question, what are they doing that we aren’t?”

Giamatti sums up the difference in one word: “giveaways.”

Just as the World Series opens up next week, Giamatti’s Sentinel Episcopal Church in Orlando will debut its giveaway plan to increase worship attendance. The Moses bobblehead doll, to be given to the first 200 worshippers, will reinforce Rector Frances McCourt’s sermon on the Ten Commandments. The church hopes it will also lure in a few dozen new members.

Other scheduled giveaways include seat cushions with the text “I am the light of the world” on one side, and an advertisement for Orlando Power and Gas on the other; giant foam fingers that display the peace sign rather than the “number one” typical of sports venues; and Photo Day, where before the service the rector and choir will mingle with the congregation to pose for photos and sign autographs.

And, of course, there will also be a series of bobblehead Sundays. Jesus, Peter, Mary, Jonah and Obadiah are ready, but bobbleheads of McCourt and the choir director will also be given away on the Sundays nearest their birthdays.

Giamatti began working on the plan this summer when he became the Director of Marketing for the church. The position was created in order to address the crisis of declining membership and giving in the 50-year old church. The congregation was once a robust 400-members just 40 years ago, it has shrunk to an anemic 350 since.

“We had a choice: change or die,” said Rector Frances McCourt. “The congregation showed their commitment to change when they created this position.

“The people had been asking the right questions—where are all our children? Why aren’t people as committed as they used to be? Where did the finance chairperson run off to with our Endowment Fund money? Finally, though, they asked an even better question: what can we do about it?

“That’s when we decided to hire a marketing director,” McCourt concluded.

Giamatti seems to be the man for the job. He worked for several summers in concessions for the Florida Marlins. Giamatti said, “I was a glorified hot dog salesman.” He laughed, then became serious again. “Actually, I did sell hot dogs, but I learned a lot in my three years with the club. I’ve seen every giveaway you can imagine.”

That experience is just the magic ingredient Sentinel Episcopal Church hopes will breathe life into its dying soul.

Can a New Wizard Capture Our Hearts?

2007-08-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

The Harry Potter saga has just ended with the release of the final book, and already there is a new wizard in town. And this time, he’s a Christian.

Perry Blotter is his name, and he uses the power of “Jesus magick” in his struggle against the forces of Satan and others who hate the American way of life. Like the Harry Potter series created by J. K. Rowling, Perry Blotter and his young friends are students in the famous wizard seminary called Blogsnorts.

“I give kids an appropriate alternative to the occult witches and magicians that have become so popular in our culture,” says author K. B. Conger. “Perry points to the one true Magician.”

Twelve-year-old Darva Ellis was dressed as a church elf outside her local bookstore yesterday, waiting for midnight when Perry Blotter and the Magician’s Marble could first be sold to the public. “I can’t wait,” she bubbled. “I’m gonna stay up all night reading this. Jesus rocks!” Ellis, it should be noted, is Conger’s niece, and the bookstore in question was closed and would not reopen until 10:00 the next morning.

Early reviews of the book have leaked out, and some are accusing Conger of stealing Rowling’s ideas. For example, in the first Harry Potter book, the young wizard must sneak by a three-headed dog and play a game of life-sized chess in order to retrieve the sorcerer’s stone which can grant immortality. In the Perry Blotter book, Perry must get by a giant two-headed cat and play a game of life-sized checkers in order to obtain the magician’s marble. Inside the marble is etched the words to John 3:16. “Only Jesus,” Perry says in the book, “can give immortality.”

Conger strongly denies the allegations of plagiarism. “I was working on the Perry Blotter concept long before the first Harry Potter book was ever published.” How much had Conger completed? “I was working it through in my head. It was still in the idea stage.”

The controversy is unlikely to go away soon. The second Harry Potter book was Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Conger’s second book has a working title of Perry Blotter and the Sacristy of Mysteries.

Youth minister Randy Davies of Reaching Higher Christian Fellowship in Boulder, Colorado, sees the work of the devil in the charges against Conger. “Isn’t it odd that just when the Christians get a wizard hero that people are attacking [Conger]? Satan’s behind it. It has been that way from the beginning, people saying that Christians stole ideas from others, like how people say that Jesus didn’t invent the Ten Commandments.”

Some Christians don’t like the idea of mixing Jesus and the occult. Annie Belfast, a professor at Gonkley Bible College in Missouri, thinks Conger is passing on the wrong message. “We should be telling people to stay away from magic and witches, not to embrace them.”

Conger says the magic in her book is not bad. “It’s a different kind of magic. First of all, it is spelled with a ‘k.’ That’s different right there. Also, it’s not regular magic, but ‘Jesus magick.’

How is that different? “Jesus is the one doing it,” she said.

Pastor Denies Persistent Steroid Rumors

2007-08-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO--The accusations echo in his brain. “He must be taking something. No ordinary human being could do those things.” “He wasn’t that big earlier in his career.” “He won’t talk about it; that proves he’s guilty.”

He knows that for some people, none of his accomplishments will ever matter. They will always be tainted by the suspicion that he used steroids or other illegal performance enhancing drugs.

Now, for the first time, John Moody, senior pastor at Bayside Presbyterian Church in downtown San Francisco, addresses all the questions, all the accusations, in a candid interview with The Aldersgate Gazette.

AG: Let us begin by remembering some of your more remarkable accomplishments: you performed 4 weddings and a funeral in one weekend; one Christmas Eve you preached 3 different sermons at 5 different candlelight services; you shattered the old record for sermons preached in one year; you are approaching the career record for sermons in a lifetime. Those are amazing statistics, and precisely because they are so astounding, you can understand why there would be questions.

Moody: Of course. God has given me the strength to do some wonderful things in ministry. I don’t deny that, but I have always been clear that it is the power of the Holy Spirit--not steroids or anything else--that has enabled me to be so successful for so long.

AG: People have said that you are much bigger now than you were in your early years. We’ve gone back through old photographs, and that seems to be correct. Your vocal cords are huge now, but in your first church you had a rather svelte neck. How do you explain that?

Moody: First of all, it’s too many potlucks. [laughs] Seriously, though, I have a trainer. He has got me working hard on speaking exercises, especially in the off season. Plus, I’m eating better, too. I’m eating leaner protein and more vegetables. I haven’t had a beer for 6 years.

AG: Other people have remarked about how suddenly your productivity increased. For example, in 1996, you preached 48 sermons, but the very next year, you preached 112. How do you explain such an extreme jump?

Moody: That’s pretty simple. We added a second worship service that year, and I also accepted a volunteer position preaching at a nursing home once a month.

AG: A reporter for Christianity Today wrote that you had already been preaching 3 times each Sunday before you added the second service.

Moody: That’s ridiculous.

AG: So you deny that.

Moody: Yes, of course.

AG: Tell us a little about what it is like to chase the great Harry Emerson Fosdick and his career sermon record. The media frenzy would be tremendous even without the accusations of steroid use, but now it must be unbearable. How do you crowd out all the distractions?

Moody: I wish I had a big secret, but I simply take a few moments before I step into the pulpit to focus my energy, to concentrate on the task at hand. It was hard at first, especially with all the flash bulbs popping in my face, but I have learned to take it all in stride. It feels almost normal. I think after I break the record, the sudden lack of attention will seem odd, too quiet.

AG: Let’s turn to the grand jury testimony now. I know that must be an uncomfortable subject for you. When you were on the stand, you absolutely denied that you ever received the substance called “preacher’s coffee” from the Jesus Seminar, a substance, by the way, that has been categorically banned by the National Council of Churches. But later, a member of the Seminar contradicted your testimony. How do you explain that?

Moody: It’s the age-old story. When you’re in the public eye, when you’re near the top, everybody wants to tear you down. The media always has to feed off of some rumor, regardless of truth. Unfortunately, I’ve been the Rumor of the Day for the last several years. Eventually, it will be someone else.

AG: What do you want people to know about you that they don’t know now? What would help them understand John Moody better?

Moody: First of all, I’m just a regular guy. Yes, I have been called by God for a unique task, and I have a wonderful gift. I’ve never said it was anything else than a gift from God. But I am just a simple, ordinary human being. I like taking my Jaguar out on long drives up the coast like your Average Joe. I love to fly with my kids out to the south of France for the weekend, just like everybody who sits in the pews in front of me. Just because I can preach more sermons than any other human being in history doesn’t mean I’m anything more than an ordinary man.

AG: And finally, what about your legacy? What will people think of you and your records in 50 years?

Moody: It won’t be long before the accusations die down. The media will have another pastor to attack, and people will see only the record. They will no longer be biased by the ridiculous statements made about me. In time, people will truly respect me for what I’ve accomplished. And, of course, I hope my work will be seen for what it really is--a monument to Jesus Christ.

AG: Thank you for answering some very difficult questions. Thank you for your candor.

Moody: You’re welcome.

Maybe "Jesus" Isn't the Answer

2007-06-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

Ruth Fox, Staff Writer

Jesus is the answer, and Guy Flanders discovered that the answer will get you thrown in the slammer. Flanders, the pastor of Calvary Presbyterian Church in Gainesville, Florida, was sentenced to 10 days in jail after the only response he would give to a judge was “Jesus.”

Three months ago, Flanders was deep in prayer when he saw a vision of Jesus hovering above the local Publix Super Market on a red-and-white checkered blanket. “Jesus looked right down at me,” Flanders wrote on his blog, “and said, ‘I am the answer to all your questions.’” Since then, he pledged to answer “Jesus” to every question. Flanders ended his blog address with a challenge to his flock: “This is the way to spread the holy name of Jesus across this land. I encourage you to join me.”

Although Flanders’ new policy annoyed his family and friends, it did not create any insurmountable obstacles. Then Flanders received a notice for jury duty. Consistent with his pledge, he wrote in the word “Jesus” for every answer on his jury questionnaire. He arrived for jury duty on a Monday morning.

“When Guy called me that morning and asked me to call a lawyer,” remembers his wife Susanna, “I could immediately tell there was something wrong. I tried to ask what was happening, but all he said was ‘Jesus.’”

Before Flanders’ lawyer could arrive, the pastor was brought before a judge. “What’s the meaning of this, Mr. Flanders?” the judge asked.

Predictably, Flanders answered, “Jesus.”

“You’re in serious trouble here, sir. You had better start giving me straight answers. Do you understand I could charge you with contempt?”

Flanders’ next “Jesus” got him 10 days. He is 8 days into his stay, and does not regret a moment. “I would do it again,” he wrote to his wife, “and the next time I get a jury summons, I probably will.”

His church’s deacons were not pleased with Flanders’ stunt. “We’re law abiding citizens around here,” said Pete Sturgess. “Guy has done some silly things before, but this time, the church’s name got dragged through the mud. That’s not right.”

Even Flanders’ wife is concerned. “I told Guy he should consider selling insurance. He’s not really a very good preacher.”

And Guy Flanders? What does he have so say about it? No one really knows because he just keeps saying “Jesus.”

Bush Reaches Out to Church Growth Experts

2007-05-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

The Bush Administration announced that it has teamed up with church development expert Kennon Callahan to develop a new strategy for the war in Iraq. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has been working closely with Callahan for several weeks using the methods Callahan pioneered in the 1980s with his book Twelve Keys to an Effective Church.

Gates said, in an interview on Meet the Press, that “discussions about Iraq always begin with ‘what’s wrong with Iraq?’ I realized this was the wrong tact. Callahan encourages us to begin with our strengths. He asks, ‘What’s right with Iraq?’”

Said Callahan, “Surely, many excellent mistakes were made in the first years of this war, but hope is stronger than memory, and there are plenty of reasons for hope.”

Gates and Callahan quickly discovered that Iraq already has many God-given assets, including some significant relational groups (Shi’a, Sunni and Kurds), open accessibility (particularly its porous borders with Iran and Syria), and adequate parking. The country can use these assets to grow forward its mission.

This is not the first time the Administration has turned to a church growth expert for assistance in Iraq. Shortly before the war began in March 2003, presidential advisor Karl Rove and megachurch pastor Rick Warren wrote a book titled The Purpose Driven War. Initially, it was a big seller, but sales fell off quickly when the war turned sour.

Gates and Callahan are also planning to write a book to chronicle their journey together and to help other war czars achieve success. Twelve Keys to an Effective War is due to arrive in bookstores this Fall.

2007 Readers' Poll Results

2007-05-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

The first ever Aldersgate Gazette Readers’ Poll has concluded, and the results are both startling and disturbing. Mental health experts brought in to analyze the data agreed that the Gazette readership, as a whole, suffers from a number of psychological issues, probably brought on by their mothers.

RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION

The results in this category were as expected. For example, out of the 3,635 surveys received, more than 88% of those who responded were Hindu, owing to AG’s enormous popularity in India. The other major religious group represented among Gazette readers are the “Snake Handlers,” at about 6%. Since these churches are largely independent, this category includes a wide variety of theological perspectives, though all Christian. The two Roman Catholic Snake Handlers who filled out the survey were included in a separate category.

The remaining religious groups, all registering at 2% or less, were primarily Protestant Christian denominations, Wiccans, Dead Heads, Eastern Orthodox, Rastafarians and Democrats.

OCCUPATION

Nearly half of all respondents listed “clergy” as their occupation. This, according to experts, is particularly troubling, since these readers are highly unstable. The next largest category was “Satan’s assistant” at 22%. These respondents are the most well adjusted of all. The others were “education,” 10%; “other,” 8%, “student,” 7%; and “Elvis impersonator,” 4%.

WORD OF, ER, MOUTH

The editors were also surprised at how readers learned of the Gazette. About 75% first heard about the Gazette because they saw the URL written on bathroom walls or carved into toilet seats. As a result of this finding, the staff canceled all of its print advertising and gave every janitor in North America an AG tee shirt. More than 15% of readers heard about the Gazette in a voice from God.

A MILLION DOLLARS

Virtually all respondents said, if they had a million dollars, they would “blow it on hookers.”

NEW MUSIC

Of popular songs that should be converted to hymns, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was the big winner. Two-thirds of respondents said this Nirvana tune should add life to 21st Century churches. The “Macarena” by Rock and Roll Hall of Fame group Los del Rio was the number 2 choice. Other songs mentioned included “Signed, Sealed and Delivered,” “Whip It” and “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”

GOD’S MISTAKE

The most controversial category asked for God’s biggest mistake to date. The winner, by a narrow margin, was “llamas,” narrowly beating out “comb-overs” and the “designated hitter.” “Zoroastrianism” and “free will” also received a healthy percentage of votes.

CONCLUSION

The 2007 Readers’ Poll gives the first clear, comprehensive look at people of faith in the United States and India. It is a ground breaking study, and provides sociologists enough data to keep them employed in the coming year. The editors wish to thank all of the loyal readers who took the time to fill out the survey. If you were one of those who did, please see a psychiatrist at your earliest convenience.

Look for the 2008 Readers’ Poll next May.

Can a Blog Cure Cancer?

2007-04-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Readers of The Aldersgate Gazette represent the top tier of pastors, theologians, seminary faculty and other people with way too much time on their hands. AG is pleased to present its first Readers’ Poll to compile a picture of the typical Gazette connoisseur.

The primary purpose is to provide a marketing profile so that we can make gobs of money. Also, one editor mentioned some baloney about the mission of Jesus and serving our readers.

You are invited to participate by completing the survey between now and May 20, 2007. A report will appear in the Gazette on May 25, and will include representative responses from our readers.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The 2007 Readers' Poll has been completed. Look for the results on May 25.

Pastor Finds Empty Church on Easter Sunday

2007-04-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

As she does every Sunday morning at around 9:00, Joanna Terry was putting the finishing touches on her sermon. This Easter sermon was to be a mixture of joy and sorrow for the pastor of St. John’s Presbyterian Church in Seattle. The church is an old one and has been serving downtown Seattle for 82 years. Like many other downtown churches across the land, however, the congregation of St. John’s has experienced a steady decline.

The sermon Terry was to preach this Easter morning was the one to announce the death of the church. She would tell the people that their service to the community was laudable, but the time had come to let go. There was no more life in the church.

Terry never preached that sermon. She arrived about ten minutes before the service--her usual time--in order to avoid the inevitable distractions of parishioners telling her about burnt out light bulbs or dirty restrooms. Something seemed odd, however, as she approached. There were even fewer cars than usual in the parking lot. She did not see the car of the head usher, and wondered if anyone had even opened the front door to the church.

Terry pulled on her robe as she entered the sanctuary. She stopped immediately, stunned. She checked her watch, and indeed, it was nearly 10:00am, the start time for worship. But no one, not one soul, not even old Mrs. Parker, a woman who had sat in the same pew every Sunday for 73 years, was present. The building was completely empty.

The 47-year-old pastor looked around and finally saw a well-dressed man standing near the piano. He said to her, “I’ll bet you are looking for your people. Well, they aren’t here.” He nodded toward the front door and said, “They all left. I’ve never seen a bunch of folks with so much energy. They were alive.” Terry said that the man emphasized the word “alive” so sharply that a chill went down her spine.

The man continued, “Don’t you remember how they told you they were going to leave this place? At that last meeting they said they were tired of waiting around for the leaders to do something about the Gospel, and they were just going to go.”

Terry says she did remember something like that, but, as she went back to her office, she tried to figure out what to do next. Her seminary training never prepared her for anything like this. She called her good friend and colleague, Carl Goodrich, a pastor in a nearby suburb.

“I told Carl he would never believe what had just happened,” Terry said in an interview later that day. “And, of course, he didn’t believe it. He came right over to see for himself. We walked around in that big empty sanctuary. Nothing was left but Emma Townsend’s sweater.”

Mondays are Terry’s days off, and when Tuesday comes, she is not sure what she will do. “I suppose I’ll go back to the office,” she said. “I’ll just do what I know how to do. And there is a report I need to finish.” She paused, and her eyes misted over. “Maybe they’ll come back and see me.”

Basketball Defeats Jesus in Overtime

2007-04-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Luc Richard Limoges, Staff Writer

The heavy thump-thump-thump of the basketball has overtaken the sound of the pipe organ as the most-heard sound at Rolling Meadows United Methodist Church in the suburbs of Portland. The church council voted to eliminate one of its worship services because the service was interfering with one of the four weekly open gym sessions.

Last Fall, when the church embarked on a new, third service of worship on Sunday afternoons, some members argued that is was “only fair” that the church also add a time for playing basketball. The only time convenient for the basketball players turned out to be 9:30 on Sunday mornings, right during the first service of worship. Conflicts were immediate and intense.

“My wife kept nagging me about missing worship,” said Rob Cornerstone, one of the gym rats. “I told her that when I’m out there all by myself in the gym, lining up a three-point shot, I feel God’s presence. I don’t need worship for that.”

Another basketball player, Tony Marzipan, not only stopped attending worship, but brought two of his sons with him to the court. “This is family time,” said Marzipan. “I’d rather have my boys with me than in some strange church listening to a lame sermon.”

Perhaps the most critical defection from the worship service is the church’s pastor, John Passe. Passe, who is also the president of Trailblazer Power, a fan club of the NBA’s Portland Trailblazers, took a lot of heat from his personnel committee for missing the early service. He has a defense, though.

“One of my mentors is the great preacher Fred Craddock,” said Passe. “Craddock says that a minister is not obligated to be everywhere. I lead two services on Sunday. Isn’t that enough?”

The church has also lost a staff member to the change. Associate Pastor Jon Kim resigned when Passe insisted Kim lead and preach at every 9:30 service. Kim, also a rabid basketball player, decided he would quit rather than miss the chance to play ball.

Eventually, the church council decided to take up the matter. A number of members argued that worship should clearly take precedence over a game. The personnel chairperson said that Passe was an employee and should be ordered to attend worship.

Passe, though, had the last word. He produced a chart that showed the average attendance at the basketball sessions compared to worship services. Since 2002, the attendance of the basketball players was more than twice that of the worshipers. The council voted to cancel the early worship service by a margin of 30-2.

Is Truth Dead in Religious Journalism?

2007-03-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

Religion reporters are relying too much on faith rather than rigorous fact-checking to prepare their stories, says a recent report by the Society for Religious Journalism. The Society estimates that one in five published news stories in religious newspapers, magazines and other media contain "serious errors or distortions of facts."

The report, due to be released today at the Society's annual meeting in New York, says the worst offenders are Web-based journals, including those sites often called "blogs." On some sites the authors analyzed, two-thirds of all articles were "completely made up." Traditional print journalism also received harsh criticism. "Many articles in the [periodicals] studied were written by clergy, a class of people notorious for half-truths, propaganda and incomplete research."

Given the sensitive nature of the subject, most people interviewed for this story did not want to be identified. One senior editor at a well-known publication for Christian professionals thought the report set the bar for excellence too high. "We are human," the editor said. "We all make mistakes. How were we to know 'The Book of Todd' isn't in the Bible?"

Burton Mackerel, publisher of The Aldersgate Gazette, defended the work of his staff. "Everyone here knows that we expect the highest level of accuracy. I will not tolerate sloppy work. If even a single error reaches the pages of the Gazette, somebody will get fired."

Mackerel continued, "I am confident of our success in this area. We have a staff of six editors and 12 assistants whose sole job is to triple-check each minute detail of every story."

A quick reading of the AG staff directory revealed that no such fact-checking team exists. True to his word, Mackerel fired his secretary.

The Society for Religious Journalism's annual meeting begins today and runs through next Wednesday. The full report, "Truth Is Dead: Inaccuracy in American Religious Journalism," is available at the Society's website.

Da Vinci and Broadway to Collide This Fall

2007-03-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

Controversial author Dan Brown is collaborating with composer Andrew Lloyd Webber to produce what could be the most lucrative Broadway production ever. Brown's publicist released a statement yesterday announcing that Brown and Webber would follow the author's best-selling book The Da Vinci Code and feature film of the same name with a new project, Da Vinci Code: The Musical.

"What Cats did for cat love affairs," the statement reads, "Da Vinci Code: The Musical will do for the love affair between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Mr. Brown and Mr. Webber will set a new standard for Broadway shows of the future."

Several stars have already signed on to play leading roles. Celine Dion has agreed to play heroine Sophie Neveu; Ric Ocasec, lead singer of the rock group The Cars, will play hero Robert Langdon; and fitness guru Richard Simmons will fill the role of the self-flagellating albino hit man monk Silas.

"I am so excited about this!" bubbled Simmons as he was entering a studio for a taping of his newest project, Sweating to the Gnostics. "I have always wanted to do Broadway! I just love Celine!" Simmons kissed the interviewer and then danced into the studio.

Brown and Webber have already begun work on the score. Brown has provided the inspiration for the unique lyrics, and Webber will fill in the music. The press release listed several of the songs to be featured: "Paris Nights," "Look at Me, I'm Sophie Neveu," "Shakin' at the Louvre Hop," "Art School Dropout," and "We Fit Together."

Like the book and movie before it, controversy is dogging Da Vinci Code: The Musical even though rehearsals have not yet begun. Critics and Bible scholars alike are vigorously protesting, saying that neither Jesus Christ Superstar nor the Gospels give any indication that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene or that the pair had a child together.

"Brown's newest fiasco will confuse people of faith and nonbelievers alike," said Bible scholar Roger Ebert. "He completely ignores the incontrovertible evidence that Jesus had an adulterous affair and a child with Joanna, the wife of Herod's steward Chuza."

Broadway critic Walter Bruggemann was skeptical that Brown had the experience to tackle a stage musical. "It is not easy for an author, even a successful one, to make the transition to Broadway. Dan should probably stick to the things he knows best, biblical scholarship and art history."

Audience members can weigh the evidence for themselves this Fall when Da Vinci Code: The Musical opens at the Ambassador Theater on 49th Street.

Baptist Cat Inspires Church

2007-03-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

James Choate-Munitz

Members of Solid Rock Baptist Church in Short Pump, Virginia filed into the meeting hall expecting to approve a hometown boy for ordination. As they left several hours later, however, many members marveled over the fact that they had ordained a cat instead of the original candidate.

By the end of the next day, church pastor Robert Robertson had found no passage of scripture or church doctrine that explicitly forbade a church from ordaining a cat or any other pet. Robertson confirmed that at the evening service on Easter Sunday, Lowell, the 9-pound housecat owned by Solid Rock member Rick Hoover, will become the first known cat to be ordained by a Baptist church in the United States. Lutheran and Pentecostal churches have ordained cats on two previous occasions, both times in the mid-1960s.

The previous evening, 20-year-old Stephen Colton had arrived at Short Pump’s oldest Baptist church hoping to receive approval for his ordination. As church members were discussing the merits of Colton’s gifts and graces, Rick Hoover stood to speak. Hoover had been Colton’s 10th grade math teacher.

Hoover said, “I like Stephen as much as anyone in here, but I was his teacher. I mean no disrespect, but Stephen just isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, my cat’s probably smarter than Stephen.”

Mary Louise Gorfunkle, Hoover’s next door neighbor, agreed. “Lowell is pretty smart. He’s cute, too.”

Soon, other members of the congregation began to tell stories about Lowell, winner of Short Pump’s Cutest Cat competition in 2004 and 2006. At first, the tales seemed nothing more than typical stories, such as the cat rushing to the kitchen door when he heard the sound of his supper dish, or the adorable way he would leave decapitated rats on a neighbor’s front steps.

Soon, though, the real truth came out. Sylvia Grindel once heard Lowell meow the Lord’s Prayer. Art Samerson watched the cat prevent Samerson’s two-year-old son from walking into the street. Several parishioners claimed to have seen Lowell preaching God’s Word to stray dogs.

By the time the smoke had cleared, and after little actual debate, church members had approved Lowell for ordination. Unfortunately, for the eager Colton, no time was left for the body to take up the question of his ordination. Colton could not be reached for comment, but it is widely rumored that he flew to Brazil to become a missionary.

For now, residents of Short Pump are anticipating Lowell’s first sermon. He will preach at his Easter Sunday ordination service. Lowell’s owner thinks the cat will be ready. “Lowell is still taking all this in,” said Hoover. “This was a huge surprise for him, but if I know my cat, he’ll preach his heart out.”

Town Gives a Pound of Flesh for Lent

2007-02-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

AP--The town of Rosedale, Missouri is making plans to observe the most holy Lent anyone here can remember. All 204 citizens of this town in the southeastern part of the state have agreed to follow a series of strict spiritual disciplines for the 40 day period that precedes Easter.

The town’s ministerial association, composed of a Roman Catholic priest, a retired Lutheran pastor and a Methodist minister, developed the guidelines and presented them to the aldermen, suggesting that everyone participate. In addition to typical Lenten practices, such as fasting on Fridays, giving up a favorite food, and adding extra time for prayer and reading the Bible, there are some unusual items on the list.

Instead of the typical “howdy,” townspeople in Rosedale will now be greeting one another with the words “repent and believe the gospel.” Residents have agreed to use no heat in their homes during Lent, quite a feat, since the low temperatures this time of year average in the high 30s. Also, the four businesses on Main Street will close on both Sundays and Wednesdays so the churches can hold all-day prayer sessions.

The most bizarre practice, however, will be a ritual self-mortification in the town square carried on for 24 hours a day. At every hour during Lent, members of the town will take turns standing on a platform striking themselves with a leather whip while their bodies are nearly completely bared to the elements.

Roger Hammond, a Rosedale resident for his entire 62 years, signed up for 12 different one-hour sessions. “This is a way of atoning for the sins of the entire town. We’re a wicked people. If Jesus could give his very life for our sins, then why can’t we give at least a little bit of flesh? We present our bodies as living sacrifices, thanksgiving offerings to God,” he said.

Not everyone thinks the town’s wholehearted effort at returning to God is a good idea. William Forrest is the pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Rosedale, and the only clergyperson in town who is not a member of the ministerial association. “This is ridiculous,” he said. “It is one thing to observe private practices, but quite another to have an entire town up in arms. The only reason I’m participating is that half my members said they’d go over to the Methodists if I didn’t.” Forrest has only signed up for three self-mortification shifts.

Many expect the high point of the season to be the Jonah Party on March 30, the Saturday before Palm Sunday. People will gather before dawn, some leading cows and horses. Everyone, people and animals, will be wearing sackcloth. They will then take turns pouring ashes over one another’s heads.

As the sun rises, the procession will walk the six miles to Centerburg, the county seat. The people will stroll through the streets calling out, in the words of the Old Testament prophet Jonah, “Forty days more, and Centerburg shall be overthrown!” Then, the group will retire to a nearby hill to watch what happens.

Julie Teasdale, owner and proprietor of Ye Olde Antique Shoppe in Rosedale, is eager for the Jonah Party to begin. “I’m so thrilled about this opportunity. I’m bringing my camera.”

Despite the busy Lenten schedule, most residents of Rosedale are not making many plans for Easter. “I’ll probably sleep in,” said Teasdale.

Candler and NASA Start Chaplaincy School

2007-02-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

RPI--Candler School of Theology in Atlanta plans to open a new chaplaincy program in response to the recent arrest of astronaut Lisa Nowak for attacking another woman. The Space Chaplain certification will train clergy to handle problems unique to those who work in NASA’s high stress environment.

“Astronauts face different challenges than the rest of us,” said James “Spacey” Gordon, the Candler faculty member who first envisioned the program. “Space Chaplains will use their skills to address those challenges.”

These new chaplains, however, will be prepared to take their caring ministries beyond the launch pad. Gordon has begun conversations with NASA to enable Candler to prepare the Space Chaplains to accompany the astronauts on their missions. “We want every Space Shuttle launch to carry a chaplain. We want the International Space Station to have a chaplain on duty at all times.”

Only the top candidates will be able to complete the program due to the extreme rigors of space flight, and competition for the handful of slots in the initial class is expected to be heavy. Space Chaplains will also need to develop specialized technical skills such as serving Holy Communion in zero gravity, conducting counseling sessions during space walks, and--until the Space Worship Leader program gets into full swing next year--leading and directing the Praise Band.

NASA spokesperson Randy Heller said the space administration has high hopes for Candler’s new venture. “It is important for the mental and spiritual health of our astronauts, and Space Chaplains could go a long way toward repairing the damage to our public image,” he said.

“There’s precedent for this in the church,” said Candler’s Gordon. “Sailing ships often carried clergy on long voyages over the open, and largely uncharted, seas. The Methodist preachers followed settlers out to the frontier in America’s formative years. Since the Bible calls space the ‘final frontier,’ this is a natural step for us to take.”

Some critics fear that Protestant chaplains could offend or create discomfort among crewmembers by their mere presence. Gordon acknowledges the potential for the problem, especially on the International Space Station (ISS). “I’d like to create an interfaith center on the ISS, so that every faith group has a place and feels welcome. One of my Roman Catholic friends asked about putting a Newman Center up there, and you could include chaplains from every religious group. It is my dream to have more chaplains than astronauts at the Station.”

Some think Gordon’s dream is too big, bigger than all outer space. “Is this a ridiculous idea? No way. If we can put a man on the moon, then why can’t we...well, you get the idea.”

Learn the Art of Listening to Your Preacher

2007-02-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

Aldersgate Gazette Advertorial

Church membership is only the beginning of a journey, and if fledgling members are to thrive, they need training. That is the assumption behind the Christian Leadership Consortium’s (CLC) new line of educational brochures, Being Christian the Easy Way. Each brochure in the series will deal with a single topic essential to becoming a good church member.

The CLC marketing team will unveil the first booklet later this week. “How to Listen to a Sermon” will help the people in the pews to get more out of each sermon. CLC released this particular title first because it will benefit both new and seasoned members. Most of the subsequent brochures will target newer members.

“How to Listen to a Sermon” includes a list of helpful hints with explanatory notes, such as tip number six, which helps the listener prepare before the pastor even reaches the pulpit: “Do not focus too closely on the scripture reading. You have probably heard it many times, and you already know what it means. Instead, consider the sermon title. The preacher has put in considerable effort to make it clever or witty, and you should honor his efforts.”

Madonna Sumner, who co-authored several of the initial pamphlets, said, “Preachers are all familiar with the thousand-yard stare, the expressions of incomprehension on the faces of the congregation. We know that this is inevitably the result of lack of preparation on the part of the members. If they read this brochure, the people will know what to do during the sermon.”

Sumner read aloud tip number three to make her point: “If you are confused, simply smile and nod your head as if you understand every word. Remember, the preacher is a trained professional. If you are baffled, it is because you have not been paying attention, not because the preacher is a poor communicator.”

Likewise, she notes, if the preacher says something that seems to defy the rules of logic, assume you misunderstood. Sumner said, “You probably haven’t had enough seminary to know what the preacher meant to say.”

Other hints urge listeners to “know when to chuckle and when to guffaw,” “never make any distracting outbursts or spontaneous vocalizations,” and to “practice the solemn nodding of your head in the mirror before coming to church. Do not overdo it; you are not an ostrich.”

The brochure even tells church members what to do after the sermon. “When you shake the preacher’s hand as you exit the sanctuary, be pleasant and polite. Do not disagree with anything the preacher said, and do not make any comments that might require serious reflection. Simply say, ‘nice job’ or ‘you gave me something to think about,’ or talk about sports.”

Sumner and her writing partners expect the Being Christian the Easy Way brochures to provide a solid foundation for all church members. “If congregations read these and follow the advice, then everyone will know how to act. Pastors will have to deal with far fewer disturbances of the status quo,” she said.

Three more booklets in the series, “Dress for Success at Church,” “What to Do if You Can’t Sing,” and “Say It, Don’t Spray It,” are due out in the Spring.

‘Parousia Project’ Is on High Alert

2007-01-30T11:14:00.000-08:00

Luc Richard Limoges, Staff Writer

Blair Craddock drove slowly along Cesar Chavez Avenue in downtown Los Angeles, his eyes fixed on the crowds gathered on the sidewalks. Only occasionally did his gaze wander to the traffic ahead. Craddock studied every face and every gesture. He was looking for the Messiah.

“We know Jesus is coming back,” said Craddock. “We just don’t know when or where.”

The 42-year-old Craddock is the director and founder of the Parousia Project, the sole mission of which is to “find Jesus as soon as he returns.” The Project has three part-time staff members and more than 20 volunteers who comb the country looking for Jesus. Craddock hopes to expand operations to Canada and Mexico next year, and ultimately, to every country in the world.

Craddock is a former high school English teacher who was converted to Christianity in 2004 after he saw the film The Passion of the Christ. “As I left the theater,” he said, “my chest felt oddly feverish. I truly met Jesus for the first time that day.” At the end of the school year, Craddock quit his job and used his savings to start the Parousia Project.

“We look everywhere,” said volunteer Sylvia Brueggemann. “The Son of Man could be that old guy over there”--she pointed to a transient on the curb--“or some rich executive in Hollywood, or even a kid who goes to the mall and plays video games.”

All Parousia Project members have taken extensive training in Messiah recognition. The group understands that not everyone will be able to identify the Christ when he returns. In fact, Craddock emphasized that many false Messiahs will appear before the real deal shows up.

How will Project members know when they have spotted the real Jesus? “First of all,” said Craddock, “we know that Jesus will be vegetarian. That information is deeply encoded in the book of Daniel. Second, our numerologists have concluded that Jesus will stand between 4’6” and 6’9” tall. A couple of years ago, we mistakenly thought that Shaquille O’Neal was Jesus, but the numbers didn’t fit.”

The Parousia Project keeps a chart, updated in real time, of characteristics to look for when searching for the Christ. The data comes from Project numerologists and code breakers. For example, there is a solid 98% chance Jesus is a vegetarian. There is a 73% chance Jesus will return as a man. There is a 27% chance Jesus will have blue eyes, a 64% chance he will have brown eyes, and a 3% chance he will have one eye of each color. There is even a 20% chance that Jesus will return as an alpaca.

Could this be Jesus?

Craddock and his colleagues are involved in this ministry in order to facilitate Jesus' work when he returns. The sooner they can identify him, the sooner his cleansing work can begin, they assert. Project members want to get in on the ground floor of Jesus’ Second Coming, just as the twelve disciples were during Jesus’ first time around the block.

People often ask Craddock, when they learn of his work, what he will do if he acutally finds Jesus. “At first, I didn’t know what to say. Then, I thought about how I’d feel if I had just made the long trip between heaven and earth. I would ask Jesus if he needs to use the restroom.”

New Technology Can Super Size Your Pastor

2007-01-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

Church search committees spend months or even years looking for the right match between minister and congregation. A delay in hiring a new pastor can hamper critical ministries and cause turmoil among members. The era of receiving applications and hearing numerous trial sermons, however, may be coming to a close.

The Full Speed Ahead Leadership Group (FSA) has teamed up with the Genzyme Corporation to develop the first genetically modified line of SuperPastors, and their research may reach the market as early as 2010. FSA prepared a list of physical and psychological traits for the perfect minister, and Genzyme’s task is to translate those characteristics into a living, breathing human being.

FSA spokesperson Lily Swenson said the SuperPastor project will change the face of the Christian church’s ministry for the good. “This product will give churchgoers consistent, highly effective leadership and preaching. Within 50 years, every church in America will be able to acquire the type of pastor that only megachurches can afford in today’s economy.”

An FSA press release describes several of the key skills and traits that will be built into every model in the SuperPastor line, including a pleasant speaking voice, empathy, high endurance and the willingness to accept a low salary. Though selection will be limited initially, churches can request a specific gender along with preferences for hair, eye and skin color.

Genzyme will eventually produce many different models, each with a specific orientation, such as Mission, Urban, Suburban and Fortress Mentality. Before committing to a licensing agreement, each church will fill out a survey to identify which model would serve best in that particular setting. Genzyme has also begun work on developing a Youth Pastor model, though efforts in this area have shown far less promise.

Mark Regent, national director of Pastors Anonymous, fears that the new line of SuperPastors will put “natural” ministers at a competitive disadvantage. Regent has filed a lawsuit against FSA and Genzyme to halt production and prevent release of any SuperPastor models.

“These so-called SuperPastors will create cookie cutter churches,” said Regent. "Everything will be the same across the board. Local flavor will disappear entirely, not to mention the threat of greatly reduced genetic diversity among our clergy. A bad year of the bird flu could wipe out 80% of our pastors.”

The bird flu threat is apparently real, Regent asserts, because the scientific process to create a SuperPastor includes inserting pigeon chromosomes into pastoral genes. FSA spokesperson Swenson, however, claims that the process is safe. “The FDA approved the process in 1999. They saw no reason to halt our progress, so I’m not sure why a non-scientist like Regent thinks he knows better.” In addition to the bird chromosomes, Genzyme’s secret, patented process includes a mixture of gene therapy, selective breeding and the lifelong administration of an expensive drug cocktail.

Many rumors have circulated as to the original SuperPastor gene pool. The most common theory is that Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren, Willow Creek Community Church pastor Bill Hybels, and Episcopal priest Barbara Brown Taylor provided the original material. Then, after the first trial models, the scientists sought additional gene sequences to fine tune the first true SuperPastors.

So, do you think you might like a SuperPastor at your church? You may already have one! Twelve prototype SuperPastors have been deployed to churches across the country to test effectiveness and reliability. Since these are blind trials, Swenson would not release the names of the churches involved. She did say that apart from one accidental drowning during a baptism, the SuperPastors have performed well.

Form Before Function for This Disciple

2007-01-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

Mark Knox, Staff Writer

If you are like most Americans, the end of the tax season leaves you flat. You have been invigorated by the process, and you wonder why complicated forms are not available every month. One man has come to your rescue.

Carl Smith-Marx, a CPA and elder of First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Forest River, New Jersey, realized the annual national letdown following April 15 is a thrilling opportunity for evangelism. About two years ago, Smith-Marx began working on a form he calls “1040-HS” (the “HS” stands for Holy Spirit) that would bring people to Christ.

He insists that it is the process that will make disciples. The questions begin like many other forms--name, address, social security number, dependents--before moving on to meatier questions such as “If you died tonight, do you know where you would go?” By the end, the nonbeliever has an opportunity to make a decision of faith. The final signature line is accompanied by a statement that declares the answers on the form are “true and correct to the best of my knowledge, and from this moment I renounce my sins and accept Jesus Christ into my heart.”

Anyone who completes the form can mail it back to Smith-Marx’s new non-profit called IRS, or “Inventively Rescuing Souls.” There is also an option to file electronically. “Be sure you file before the ‘dead line’ because there are no extensions,” says the IRS web site.

“Everyone knows,” said Smith-Marx in a telephone interview, “that the most effective part of the Billy Graham Crusade is that card. Everyone comes forward just to have the opportunity to fill out the card. It’s pure genius.”

Strangely enough, the one person who is not a believer in Smith-Marx and his plan is John David Cootie, Smith-Marx’s pastor. “Carl has a wonderful heart,” says Cootie, “but he drives me crazy with his forms. It was great when he developed a form for tracking our giving. Then, they just kept coming--forms for copier paper usage, communion inventory, even forms to track my sermon titles. And he wants me to fill them all out. He’s out of control.”

“I know some people doubt me,” said Smith-Marx. “Just remember, some people doubted Jesus, too. If you can imagine a world without forms, you have just conjured up the perfect picture of hell.”

No Gifts? No Problem

2006-12-18T15:43:00.000-08:00

AP--Ross Stanley, pastor of Living Waters Pentecostal Church in St. Louis, has been in this business for 22 years. He thought he had seen it all. Parishioner Randy Klugh, however, gave Stanley the surprise of his career. Recently, the pastor and elders of the church completed a process that confirmed that Klugh has no gift or grace of the Holy Spirit.

This appears to be the first confirmed instance in history of a church member being completely ungifted. The most recent suspected case was in 1952, but the 53-year-old man in Mississippi Springs, Florida was eventually found to possess the ability to whistle “Amazing Grace” through his nose, clearly a charismatic gift. Yet, because no previous person in the 2,000-year history of the Christian church had ever been found completely graceless, scholars assumed it was impossible.

Then along came Randy Klugh. The 47-year-old unemployed carpenter became a member of Living Waters in 1996. He participated in several spiritual gifts surveys in his first years of membership, but the results were inconclusive. Likewise, during worship services, Klugh showed no obvious gifts, such as speaking in tongues or the ability to run the church’s audio-visual equipment.

Pastor Stanley arrived at the church three years ago. Klugh’s case puzzled him, and he subjected the man to even more spiritual gifts inventories. Stanley even invited several visiting evangelists to interview Klugh, and still, there was no evidence of any gift.

Stanley and the elders engaged in a marathon 24-hour prayer session before they reached their painful conclusion: Randy Klugh was the first baptized Christian in history to be certified giftless. In a statement to the press, the leaders of the church said, “We remain certain of Mr. Klugh’s salvation, and accept that it is God’s will that he has not received a gift of the Holy Ghost. In the future, God may choose to bless Mr. Klugh, but it is not for us to unravel the mysteries of God.”

Ellard Howard, one of the leaders that examined Klugh, said, “We’re all perplexed by this, but none of us are particularly surprised that it was Randy. He’s one of the heavier hymnbooks in the rack, if you catch my drift.”

“I’m not going to give up on him,” said a hopeful Stanley. “Maybe he’ll get a gift someday. Not even the Apostle Paul got it right away.”

Klugh, though, is not disappointed at his fate. “I don’t mind,” he said. “It makes me special, doesn’t it? It’s like my spiritual gift is to have no gift. Maybe I can be an inspiration to others who don’t have gifts.”

Putting the 'Pagan' Back in Christmas

2006-12-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

“We love Jesus and we love Mithra,” said Kyle Long, pastor of Christ the Redeemer Lutheran Church in Clyde Park, Kansas. “For too long, Christmas has only been about the birth of Jesus. It’s time to change that.”

Long and his worship team have been concerned that many Christmas traditions are losing touch with their pagan roots. This season, they decided to initiate a campaign to restore the multiple reasons for the season, particularly its connections to the pagan gods Mithra and Saturn.

“In this time of Advent,” Long wrote in a pastoral letter to his parishioners, “we prepare for the return of the Son of God and the sun god.” Though a few members protested, most were pleased to learn the church would celebrate Saturnalia--a festival in honor of Saturn--on December 16, especially when it was announced that a beer garden would be included.

Worshippers who attend the midnight Christmas Eve service will experience an abundance of mistletoe. Sprigs of the greenery will be tied to rafters throughout the sanctuary. Kissing beneath the mistletoe is a tradition likely associated with Frigga, the Norse goddess of love. Long will preach his Christmas sermon about Frigga’s virtues and “may or may not” compare her to God’s love shown to humanity in the birth of Jesus.

In order to publicize Christ the Redeemer’s new Christmas emphasis, the church is running a massive advertising campaign. Radio ads encourage townspeople to “revel with us” at the Saturnalia. A large banner that reads “Wiccans Welcome” is draped across the front of the church. Church members were given bumper stickers for their cars that proclaim: Pagans Need Christmas, Too.

Though Clyde Park’s ministerial association is distancing itself from Long’s efforts, a local Wiccan group, Shamash Our Savior Wiccan Church, is praising the Lutherans. “This could usher in a new age of Wiccan-Christian dialogue,” said Sally Firebelly, a local witch. “Our relationship really suffered over the past few centuries when so many of our spiritual ancestors were burned at the stake.”

“Christmas is too wonderful to be hijacked by Christians. It’s time we shared,” said Long. Then, the Lutheran pastor grinned and said, “Wait until you see what we’re preparing for Easter!”

Body Parts

2006-11-30T16:07:00.000-08:00

Rusty Palacios, special to the Gazette

As chicken magnate Frank Perdue used to say, “parts is parts.” That was the theme of a recent message by southern California United Methodist Bishop’s Assistant Clement Baker. Baker wrote in the June issue of Way Out West, the denomination’s regional publication. It is known widely as a source of encouragement and hope for United Methodists in several communities where such churches can still be found.

Baker began his message with a joke from his brother-in-law. A man goes to see his podiatrist with problems with his toes, ankle and foot. The podiatrist says “The good news is, we can save the toes. The bad news is, you’re going to lose the foot!” As Paul himself might well have said – if his brother-in-law had also been a podiatrist – “without the foot, the toes don’t do so well.” That was the encouraging word for any congregation that might previously have thought it was healthy, in the face of the precipitous decline across the rest of the denomination. It may look OK right now, but it’ll never last. Gangrene, presumably representing other congregations, has set in and will soon be taking the rest of the body with it.

“The churches really don’t do anything important anyway,” Baker added. “All the really cool stuff takes place at the Conference level.” Such achievements as the Civil Rights Movement (40 years ago), and the founding of hospitals (50 years ago) and universities (even longer!) were cited to prove his point. “All the churches really do is help people discover the grace of God in their daily lives. That’s just not a big deal any more.” He also quoted an anonymous (!) expert in the field of engineering, who stated that it is the organizational structure of the United Methodist Church that is our “competitive edge”. Others, who might point instead to the grassroots nature of the movement’s founding, rather than its bureaucratic organizational structure, were not quoted in Way Out West. No actual expert could be found to corroborate Baker’s anonymous attribution. Several were offered money to do so, but none was willing to go on record with anything so obviously stupid.

The health of the Annual Conference would seem to rely on the health of its many members. One could even be allowed to wonder, without its parts, whether there even IS such a thing as an annual conference.

Coming as it did on the eve of the annual meeting, and right before Bishop Vonda Woodward’s famous “honey or vinegar” postcard, Baker’s editorial brought a tear to the eye, and bile to the throat, of several readers who previously had thought they had seen it all. Or, as one quick thinking church secretary observed, on reading the article, “At least we know who the heel is!”

Bishop's Baseball Prophecy Tragically Wrong

2006-11-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

Emory Carlyle, Senior Sports & Religion Writer

Among those mourning the sudden firing of Dodger General Manager Paul DePodesta, perhaps none is more surprising than southern California United Methodist Bishop Melba McGowan. McGowan, who commented back in the June '05 issue of the denomination’s regional publication, Way Out West, “I don’t know much about baseball,” had become quite a fan. Back then she praised the revolutionary and radical revision of the Dodger organization under DePodesta’s leadership. Of course, at the time the team was leading the National League’s West Division, with a remarkable 12 win, 2 loss record.

Back in June McGowan noted “DePodesta took his talent with numbers and figured out new ways to interpret baseball’s abundant statistics, and then use[d] those statistics to build a winning team.” With the Dodgers on top of their game, it seemed like an obvious illustration of the value of change. What could possibly go wrong? The remaining 148 games in the season – that’s what. When they finished the season with the second worst record in team history, 91 losses and 71 wins, it was a disaster.

Even before the annual meeting some felt that the bishop’s words were a transparent and flagrant misuse of sports for religious purposes. “She was basically ‘proof-texting,’” said one observer. “It seemed obvious that Conference leaders were planning to abuse and befuddle attendees with their own ‘abundant statistics,’ and were simply using the Dodgers out of context.” But then, as the season went into a tailspin, a sports-metaphor hush fell over the conference office. “When the Dodgers were going like gangbusters, she wanted us to see the value of radical change. When they crashed and burned, we didn’t hear so much about the brilliance of Paul DePodesta.”

The bishop’s office refused comment on DePodesta's firing, and would not speculate on the likelihood of future sports commentary by McGowan. Bicycling enthusiasts remain hopeful that the new episcopal silence will soon include their sport as well.

Los Angeles District Superintendent Dr. Raymond Ho maintained that the bishop’s effort was widely misunderstood. “I think these people are making a chasm out of a ravine – heh heh.” As former conference staffer Conrad Tolbert pointed out, “While the bishop makes the case that we are in the change business, the Dodgers help us to see that some changes are more equal than others.”

Get More Anxiety from CLC

2006-11-28T16:09:00.000-08:00

Aldersgate Gazette Advertorial

Students of the immensely successful 40 Days of Anxiety program for church growth now have a host of new products to enhance the experience. The Christian Leadership Consortium, developer of the 40 Days series, unveiled a line of add-on products this week, including a desk calendar, personal care items, ties for men and scarves for women, and even a mood ring.

The mood ring, in particular, drew rave reviews from the retail executives gathered in Atlanta. The ring enables the wearer to assess his or her level of anxiety throughout the 40-day program. The user can record these levels--green for “devilishly calm” through red for “heavenly anxiety”--in the specially designed desk calendar. Once the ring has recorded the requisite number of “heavenly anxiety” readings, program participants can open up a bottle of 40 Days blood pressure medication.

Each of the 40 Days of Anxiety includes a slogan for the day, and the tie-in hair care products remind participants to repeat the slogans while in the shower. Each slogan becomes progressively more anxious as the days pass. For example, Day One’s thought is relatively simple, “What happened to all the kids in our Sunday School?” The slogan for Day 25 is much more intense: “If we don’t get more members now, we’ll be bankrupt in five years!”

The ties and scarves come in a variety of bold colors, and are suitable for worship, church councils, and denominational committee meetings. These feature the 40 Days logo, which is an image of dark storm clouds eclipsing the sun.

Each add-on product enhances the total 40 Days of Anxiety experience. The program, which models the ministry style of Jesus, helps participants to develop the sense of worry and fear that will drive them to decisive action and stronger commitment. Those who are not able to complete the program are necessarily broken in spirit and leave the church. This weeding out process is essential, because clearly, those people never cared enough in the first place.

You can purchase the full line of 40 Days of Anxiety products at any church supply house or your neighborhood Wal Mart store.

Bodensee Notebooks Surprise Scholars

2006-11-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

Martin McFague, Staff Writer

If, after completing all 14 volumes of Karl Barth’s Church Dogmatics, you still crave more, never fear. A recent discovery near the shores of the Bodensee (Lake Constance) in Central Europe, will keep you reading for years.

Last month, a young boy was herding his goats near Central Europe’s second largest lake when he stumbled through a narrow opening of rock that led to a cave. Within that cave, the goatherd found several large clay jars. Inside each jar was a notebook filled with handwritten entries, all in German. The boy took one to his father, a professor of theology at the University of Basel.

When Professor Eidel Luzen saw the notebook, he was stunned to realize he was reading the original writings of Karl Barth. “At first, I thought it was a joke,” said Luzen through an interpreter. “Then I realized this was really Barth’s own work.” Luzen’s son brought his father the rest of the notebooks, and the professor assessed the treasure.

Not only did the cave contain very old copies of Barth’s Dogmatics and other works, there were eight additional volumes to the Dogmatics that had never before been seen by scholars. Luzen showed the material to colleagues, who agreed that the work was indeed Barth’s.

“The value of this find is incalculable,” said June O’Connor of the University of California at Riverside. “This is the greatest discovery ever in the field of theological archeology. It will spawn a new era in the study of neo-orthodoxy.”

Controversy, however, has already emerged. Luzen and his colleagues are only releasing the notebooks to select scholars for study. The contents of each notebook will not be available to the public until the work of translation and interpretation has been completed. Neil Dunnsdorff, a theologian at New York University, believes the material should be made available to everyone immediately. “Why should we have to wait while the translators take their time publishing the results? The importance of the new Barth writings is too great to keep them under wraps.”

When this question was put directly to Luzen, he said, “The ducks on the Bodensee are the children of the mountain trolls.” This Swiss idiom means, essentially, “finders keepers, losers weepers.”

In the meantime, interested students should place advance orders with publishers immediately. Oxford University Press is already planning a hardcover release of the eight new volumes of Dogmatics in the spring of 2059, and it expects all copies will be spoken for by this Christmas.

This Church Keeps Faith Hidden

2006-11-15T19:48:00.000-08:00

James Choate-Munitz, special from The Christian Centurion

A man in his mid 30s sits in a recliner in a dark room. Bursts of light from an episode of Dancing with the Stars appear on the walls and furniture. In his hand is a cold beer, and in his lap is a bag of potato chips. This man is a pastor, and he is--at this very moment--leading his flock.

When most people think of ministry, they conjure images of prayers with upraised hands, bold marches for peace with justice, a praise song to a rockin’ beat, or fiery sermons. “That’s just not me,” says Michael Bunglebottom. “My congregation understands that and even appreciates it. We’re not your ordinary church.”

The church Bunglebottom refers to is The Master’s Playhouse in Toledo. The congregation is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church (USA), but you’d have a hard time figuring that out if you wandered in to one of their worship services on a Sunday morning. “We understand that people don’t go for labels anymore,” notes Martha Edwards, one of the church’s Assistant Directors, which is roughly equivalent to a Deacon.

Actually, you’d have a hard time even getting to one of their services. They do not advertise--not even in the yellow pages--and their telephone number is unlisted. Their denominational office only has a post office box on file for the church, not even a street address. In order to attend one of their Plays--as they call worship services--I had to be blindfolded and driven on a circuitous route through Toledo by one of the Cast Members.

“We try to eliminate the temptations inherent in most ministries, the pride, power and politics of what they do, including the fascination with numbers,” said Bunglebottom in an interview conducted on the Playhouse’s Main Stage, an exquisite mahogany platform supported by the latest in audio, visual and lighting equipment. The stage is framed by a series of giant maroon velour curtains edged in gold stitching. “We don’t worry about the ego of huge numbers because most people don’t even know we exist,” he said.

Despite the wealth of theater images, it is the intentional invisibility that is the identifying mark of The Master’s Playhouse and similar groups in what is called the Submergent Church movement. The core theological distinction of Submergents is that they see their faith lives as “hid with God.” “We stay put in our prayer closets. With all the violence in the world driven by religious fervor, we don’t feel the need to show off,” said Bunglebottom in a quiet moment backstage. “Besides, we’re comfortable here with our close friends and family. Having strangers come into our midst would throw off the delicate balance of fellowship.”

For all the subdued praise Bunglebottom and his Cast Members--as church members are called--give to the Submergent Church movement, there are many detractors. “What about the call to make disciples?” asked Violet Long, Bunglebottom’s presiding elder in the Presbyterian Church’s Northwest Ohio District. “What about ministries that strive for God’s peace, justice and mercy?” Long suspects that advocates of the Submergent Church movement are simply lazy.

Johnson Clinebell, chair of the national board of the Submergent Church Dialogue Team, says Long and others like her do not understand the movement. “With respect to God’s grace,” he says, “less is more. It is not something that should be received in large doses. Nor should we show it off like it’s some expensive pearl.”

This theological approach means that in most Submergent churches, worship seldom lasts longer than 15 minutes and, apart from the service, there are usually no other activities. Instead, they believe faith is lived out in the ordinary moments of life. That means while Bunglebottom is watching television alone at home, eating potato chips and drinking beer, he is feeding his own soul and providing a good example for the congregation.

“What we have found,” said Clinebell, “is that people are more than happy to put a lot more in the offering plate if they don’t have to sit through long sermons or serve on committees.” The Master’s Playhouse is a prime example. The congregation generates so much revenue from its weekly offering that the church could purchase--in cash--and completely renovate a historic downtown Toledo theater. Bunglebottom is also able to farm out all the administrative work to outside companies. In fact, he works only about an hour and a half each week for his full time salary, and that 90 minutes includes his commute time.

Many people, Clinebell says, have a hard time picturing a 15-minute worship service. “Most Submergent congregations have great sound systems and will listen to a praise song on CD. Then, if they can find a Bible, someone might read something. After that, the pastor will say what’s on his mind. Then they go home.”

Clinebell admits that most people “just don’t get” the Submergent Church movement. “That’s okay. That’s just the way we like it--off the radar. We’re the unseen leaven in society.”

A Submergent Church may be coming to a neighborhood near you soon, but you won’t ever know about it.

Minister's Heterosexuality Causes Uproar

2006-11-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

The Rev. Jane Goodallson decided she had to tell the truth. Now, from the looks of it, she will have to find a new career. Last week, Goodallson, who is the pastor of New Wine Church in Seattle, told her congregation she is not a lesbian. The problem is that her church is a part of the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches, who believe homosexuality is built into the fabric of Creation by God and is not a sin.

There were audible gasps in the sanctuary when Goodallson, who had been with partner Julie Borg for the last 15 years, told her congregation she had been hiding her heterosexuality since high school. "My lesbian relationship was just a smokescreen," she told her parishioners. "As long as I put up a good front, I could pretend. For a long time, I even fooled myself. Now I can finally be honest with myself, with God and with you."

Goodallson felt she had to come out of the closet when it appeared that her romantic relationship with a man would become public. She decided to take the initiative and tell the congregation before the rumor mill began. The man’s identity is being kept hidden because he is a New Wine parishioner who came to Goodallson for counseling with his own life partner.

In her sermon, Goodallson gave no indication she intended to step down. Congregation leaders, however, were soon calling for her resignation. "This sort of thing just doesn’t happen here," said one church member who asked to remain anonymous. "What are we going to tell our children? Will we have to tell them there might be straight people running around the church?"

Adding to the damage is the unconfirmed report that Goodallson and her male lover never did drugs together. Nor, in fact, does it appear that they ever had sex. These additional charges will likely make Goodallson unemployable in other Metropolitan Community Churches, even if they do not prove to be true.

The church council is scheduled to vote on Goodallson’s continued employment in a meeting tomorrow night. But even if she goes, Goodallson is satisfied she did the right thing. "I could no longer live a lie. I ran from the truth for too long," she said.

Celebrating the Eucharist in Style

2006-11-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

Kyle Swedenborg, Staff Writer

On the first Sunday of each month, many United Methodist churches celebrate the Lord’s Supper, also known as Holy Communion or Eucharist. Those who participate in the sacrament normally share a small piece of bread and a sip of grape juice. Worshipers at Bread of Life UMC in Baton Rouge, however, are now receiving a complete culinary experience.

Bread of Life debuted its new Communion concept, “Brunch with Christ,” at last Sunday’s service. Instead of the usual Communion line or kneeling rail, a host seats worshipers with prior reservations at one of several tables set up near the altar. Once seated, servers offer coffee, juice and wide selection of muffins and pastries. A buffet set up in the choir loft contains eggs, sausage and bacon, potatoes and fresh fruit. All this costs only $29.99 per person. Tip is not included.

Visitors or parishioners without reservations are not left out. They can still sample a Wonder Bread cube and a small cup of thawed Welch’s grape juice. First-time guests are given a two-for-one coupon for their next visit.

Pastor Jon Hodgman noticed a significant difference on the first Brunch with Christ Sunday. “It added a whole new level to the sacrament,” he said. “I could tell the people were really savoring Christ this morning. The eggs were a little rubbery, though.”

The church’s Stewardship Committee chairperson, Neva Norwich, also believes Brunch with Christ gave the congregation a spiritual boost. “When the people who get the free bread see how much the others are enjoying brunch, it will encourage them to increase their giving by that $30 each month,” said Norwich. Her committee felt the brunch would also be a way to compete with the town’s bustling Sunday morning breakfast business and bring in more members.

Despite the morning’s success, Hodgman has even bigger plans. “By January, we hope to have an omelet bar.”

Nigerian Donation Energizes Iowa Church

2006-10-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

If you live in New York City, seeing a $25 million building project go up across the street is no big deal. If you live in Mt. Hermon, Iowa, population 248, a project that big is bound to get noticed.

With little advance warning to the community, Mt. Hermon Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) initiated the first phase of a $25 million project just two blocks from the town square. A modern sanctuary that seats 2,500 worshippers in comfort is the centerpiece of the facility. It will also include new offices, an education wing, a gym and 30 units of affordable housing.

Stunned townspeople wondered aloud how the church, whose membership is only 41, could support such a project. The pastor, John Mayfield, calls it a miracle. “Only God could have provided for us so generously.”

In this case, God’s provision arrived via Nigeria. One day, Mayfield discovered an unusual plea for help in his e-mail in-box. The widow of a former finance minister in Nigeria needed assistance in freeing up funds from her late husband’s account. Over $100 million U.S. lay trapped in a Nigerian bank. If it could be routed to the church’s bank account in the United States, the woman would donate half to the church.

The woman, it turned out, is a Christian, and her sincere faith convinced Mayfield that God’s hand was at work. He immediately e-mailed her with the necessary information.

Though Nigerian law requires a waiting period of several months before the such a large sum could be transferred, Mayfield knew God would find a way to put the money to use immediately. He hired an architect and called a meeting of the Church Council. The leaders agreed to support the plan.

Mayfield describes what happened next as inspiration from the Holy Spirit. The pastor convinced his flock, mostly retired farmers and teachers, to come up with the initial deposit for the building project while they waited for the money from Nigeria. The congregation was able to come up with $6 million for the deposit and an extra $10,000 to help motivate the Nigerian bank to work quickly. Most church members took money from retirement funds and personal savings. Nearly half mortgaged their homes in order to assist with God’s work.

The Church Council promised to pay back all the money with interest once the money arrives from Nigeria. The church even sold its current property to the local school district. Sunday worship now takes place in the elementary school cafeteria while they wait for the construction to be completed.

“Even though we’re meeting in a school, the energy that’s flowing through the congregation is amazing,” said Mayfield. “We even took in a new member last week, the first one in ten years. Praise God!”

Church secretary Lola Evans, who was laid off until the money arrives, speaks for most church members when she says, “We all have to make a short-term sacrifice, but in the end, this will do wonders for this town.”

Interfaith Dialogue Bears (Rotten) Fruit

2006-10-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

While many Christian groups have been working together to outline common theological ground--most notably in recent months, the Roman Catholic Church and Lutheran World Federation--one denomination has taken a much bolder step.

The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the United States, has recently completed a round of talks with the Council of Muslims Worldwide, a fundamentalist group known for its virulent declarations against the United States, Israel and Christianity. These talks, to the surprise of long-time observers of interfaith dialogue, resulted in complete agreement between the two parties.

Representative from each group--68 total, and all men--met to discuss 23 separate theological issues, some with direct political connections, such as Israel’s right to exist. When the dust had settled, the SBC and CMW issued a joint statement saying, “We have agreed to disagree on all 23 points of theology and ethics. This accord will enable us move forward in a new relationship based upon mutual misunderstanding and complete distrust.”

In a closing ceremony Tuesday at the University of Iceland campus at Reykjavic, SBC and CMW leaders signed the historic agreement, shook hands and embraced tentatively, and then sat down for a shared meal of fried seal blubber and Chai tea. The celebratory feast was awkward at first, but both sides loosened up and frequent laughter rolled through the room when each group tried to outdo the other at telling jokes about Jewish bankers.

An unidentified SBC delegate reacts after sampling the fried seal blubber.

Arriving at that jovial atmosphere based upon a common dislike for one another was not as easy as it seemed on the surface. “There were some tough issues to be hammered out,” said the SBC’s senior representative Bruce Wilks. “The whole thing nearly fell apart on the second day. We were precariously close to a point of theological agreement.”

The sticky issue was whether or not each party worships the one true God. At first, it seemed as if both groups could grudgingly admit that the other did indeed worship the one true God based upon their shared faith heritage as the actual or spiritual offspring of Abraham. Fortunately, author Robert Morey, invited by the SBC for just such an impasse, came up with a solution. Since, as he contends, “Allah” is really the name of an ancient heathen god, Muslims are idolaters.

CMW scholars immediately countered with the fact that by improperly lifting up Jesus of Nazareth as a deity, the Christians were clearly infidel idolaters themselves. “You could sense the relief spread through the room when we resolved that issue,” said Wilks. “Imagine our embarrassment if we had to return to our people telling them that we had something in common with the Muslims.”

A second round of talks is planned for early 2007, but neither side expects the same success. Twelve theological issues, including the role of women in society, are expected to create a disheartening amount of common ground. For now, both sides are still enjoying the moment. “God has really done a new thing here,” said an unnamed SBC delegate. “I came here not knowing what to expect, but I have learned that my new brothers,” he said, pointing toward a group from the CMW, “really are as evil as I had always believed.

Top Consulting Firm Buys Gazette

2006-10-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

Jonah Sanders, Senior Business Analyst

After months of negotiations, the Christian Leadership Consortium has purchased The Aldersgate Gazette. The move will give CLC a long-desired publishing arm as well as allowing the Gazette to run exclusive articles featuring CLC products.

The CEO of CLC, Rev. R. L. Steinovich, PhD, MBA, promised to give the online journal the resources it needs to “continue the high level of Christian journalism for which the Gazette has become known. Also, we hope to make lots of money selling mugs with the AG logo.”

CLC has been in business for 23 years in the field of church consulting and marketing. Their on-site assessments have become legendary, leading to such lucrative spin offs as Quest for Mediocrity, Committed to Church Growth and 40 Days of Anxiety. Churches on three different continents have used CLC products to stay busy and create the illusion of progress.

The company hopes to use the Gazette to push its primary message: if your church isn’t growing, you’re just not trying hard enough. Says Marketing Director Tony Snowbie, “Every church has its weaknesses, and our job is to help churches discover them. If the people feel genuine hope for their congregation’s future, then where is the incentive in that? Faithful Christians need a sense of anxiety and desperation in their lives.”

Gazette Publisher Burton Mackerel believes the buyout will improve the quality of the journal. “The CLC transition team has already assured us they will use their consultants to help us seek out our most miserable failures,” said Mackerel. “I think that will give us a much more somber atmosphere in the newsroom. We need that.”

The terms of the purchase were not immediately released, but experts estimate the deal was worth $140-180 million.

Saddam’s Jailhouse Conversion Leaves Officials Stunned, Angers Muslims

2005-11-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

AP--Reports are trickling out of Iraq that the unthinkable has happened. Saddam Hussein, the former dictator who is on trial for crimes against humanity, has apparently converted to Christianity. High-level sources from both the Pentagon and the CIA said Hussein has been meeting with a Christian chaplain every day for the last several weeks, and made his conversion official two days ago. Neither the White House nor the State Department would comment on the matter.

The CIA source, who wished to remain unnamed, said Hussein became convinced of his sins and the need to ask Jesus Christ into his life when the chaplain from Chuck Colson’s Prison Fellowship Ministries brought in a man with a rainbow wig bearing a sign that read simply “John 3:16.” The two then engaged in Bible study, and from there, it was a short road to salvation. Hussein prayed on the night of his conversion, “Dear Jesus, I am a sinner. I cannot save myself, and I need you to come into my life. I believe you defeated sin on the cross, and I believe you can save me. Give me your Holy Spirit so that I can lead a holy and sinless life. In your name I pray.”

A third source, believed to be the secretary from the chaplain’s office who transcribed Hussein’s conversion, added that the former dictator wanted to confess in court and make amends for his crimes, including publicly disavowing any references he ever made to the United States as the Great Satan. He also expressed a desire to apologize personally to President George W. Bush.

It is possible that Hussein’s conversion was not as unexpected as many believe. He has long been a fan of the Veggie Tales video series. Since his confinement began, Hussein has kept plush dolls of Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber in his chamber. Several weeks ago, the former dictator began a study of Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. Several CDs of seeker-sensitive Christian music are also reported to be in Hussein’s cell.

Back in 2001, Hussein received an autographed copy of Bruce Wilkinson’s The Prayer of Jabez from the author. The dictator said on Al-Jazeera television, “I am intrigued by Jabez, one of the great Jews of history. His prayer is one of power and faith. ‘Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border.’ I read that and realized it was also my prayer.” At the time, however, intelligence experts and evangelicals both assumed Hussein’s interest was only a passing phase.

Reaction in the Middle East was swift and intense. Syrian officials doubted the veracity of the reports, but maintained that if they were true, Hussein should suffer the consequences of falling away from the true faith, Islam. A representative from Iran submitted a press release that included the following: “We have always known Saddam Hussein was a man of weak character, and that he would willingly renounce his own faith in order to save himself.”

In the United States, radio personality Rush Limbaugh wanted to give Hussein a chance. “Maybe he has begun a new chapter in his life. We should allow him the opportunity to back up his words with action,” Limbaugh said on his syndicated show. He added, “This proves that the Bush team was absolutely right about going in there [Iraq].”

Most Washington insiders believe these new events will have little effect on the war in Iraq. In fact, shortly after a rumor of Hussein’s conversion started to spread in Baghdad, a string of car bombings hit the fashionable Jubilee Strip, a street with several Christian bookstores, inspirational gift shops and storefront churches. Hussein’s salvation, it seems, will not result in Iraq’s.

Justice Group Pickets a Familiar Location

2005-10-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

The pastor and congregation of Bearlberry Presbyterian Church organize more than a dozen protests each year in their pursuit of peace and justice. Last week, they found an unusual target: themselves.

Bearlberry--the largest Presbyterian church in southeast Montana--keeps a simple mission statement: actively work for peace and justice in Jesus’ name. The church’s Social Justice Committee plans and executes some form of protest at least once a month. Members have written letters criticizing the United States’ presence in Iraq, have boycotted national retailers over issues such as sex discrimination and health care for workers, and have even picketed City Hall.

Recently, the committee decided to take on the porn industry. Local high school students were caught passing around copies of a hardcore sex magazine called Fuzz. The magazine had gained an unusually large underground following at Bearlberry High School, so the committee decided to send a delegation to lodge a protest with the publisher.

Amie Jo Wheaton, chairperson of the Social Justice Committee, had a better idea. “Most operations of this sort are owned--well behind the scenes, of course--by a large conglomerate. The best way to stop this smut is to tell the public who is really responsible. Publicize the real producers of porn, and shame them into action. Who knew it would turn out to be us?”

As Wheaton dove into Fuzz, she was able to trace ownership of the magazine to Paradox Publishing. Wheaton was stunned. Paradox is a small, for-profit company established by the Bearlberry Presbyterian Church to support its peace and justice ministries. The company primarily produces books about peace or the environment. It also puts out a few collections of feminist fiction each year. Somehow, in 2001, Fuzz was added to the Paradox repertoire.

“Obviously,” said Wheaton, “Paradox came to own Fuzz by mistake, but our committee was ready to stay the course with this.” Wheaton and her crew continued their plans to protest, and last Saturday, as mourners gathered for the funeral of Bearlberry Presbyterian’s oldest member, the church’s own Social Justice Committee struck.

More than 40 people picketed on the church lawn with signs such as “Stop the Smut,” “This Church Supports Pornography,” and a misplaced “No More Blood for Oil” banner. The crowd chanted slogans, making it difficult for the church’s pastor, Paul Bigglehoff, to conduct the funeral. The next day, even more protesters gathered during the worship service. By some estimates, there were more people outside than the 200 or so worshippers inside.

On Monday, Bigglehoff held a press conference to address the situation. “As the church pastor, I fully support the committee’s decision to fight the evil of pornography. Yet, as the church’s executive leader and--I’ve just learned--an ex officio member of the Fuzz editorial board, I must make no comment to the charges that the church is peddling porn. Our board will review all the information at an emergency meeting this evening.”

The closed meeting was by all accounts a raucous affair. After nearly three hours of yelling, arguing and a short opening prayer, the group ultimately decided to keep Fuzz. Wheaton, along with most of the members of her committee, was angered by the decision. “Before, we were pornographers unbeknownst to ourselves. Now, we are knowingly producing porn. I may hold back a part of my pledge over this.” Wheaton paused, then thrust her fist straight into the air and said, “And the protests will continue!”

A second press conference the next day did not divulge the reasons the church decided to keep its ties with the porn magazine. The church’s lawyer would only say the board believes it is in the church’s best interest to continue publishing Fuzz, and the church will receive a full-page advertisement in the magazine each issue at no cost. One source who wished to remain unnamed said that Fuzz was the most profitable product Paradox produced. “It pays for all of our peace and justice work and the pastor’s Christmas bonus,” the informant said.

No one is sure how this issue will play out in the church. Someone suggested there may be a need for “porn” and “non-porn” pew racks in the sanctuary. Some have hopes that the magazine will be a great marketing tool. Others wonder if the church can endure the strain of dissension. The future for Bearlberry Presbyterian remains uncertain.

In a final twist to the story, the church received some startling and unrelated bad news. Scot Gorgerson, Bearlberry Presbyterian’s youth pastor since 2001, mysteriously disappeared on Sunday afternoon. A secretary also discovered that the entire contents of his filing cabinet were missing. His disappearance is being investigated as a missing persons report, and no foul play is suspected.

Church Hopes for Bishops “of the People”

2005-10-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

AP--In an effort to be more responsive to the needs of the people, The United Methodist Church has announced a new format for choosing Bishops, the denomination’s top clergy leaders. Instead of allowing regional bodies known as Jurisdictional Conferences to elect Bishops, the church has signed on with the FOX network to produce a new reality show called Mitre Muster, the United Methodist News Service (UMNS) announced Friday.

Mitre Muster will feature 80 candidates vying for only 20 vacant episcopal seats in the nation’s second-largest Protestant denomination. Veteran rocker Mick Jagger and Lutheran scholar Martin Marty have already agreed to judge the event, and negotiations with former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher are nearly complete, reported UMNS. The judges will narrow the original contestants down to 30, and viewers will have the opportunity to make a toll-free call to choose the ultimate winners.

The idea for Mitre Muster passed the 2004 General Conference, The United Methodist Church’s highest authority, with minimal resistance. The Council of Bishops released a statement stating that it is “eager for this new process to begin. Mitre Muster will show the nation that United Methodist Bishops are both talented and well rounded.” Contestants on the show will participate in three phases: talent show, theological reflection and swimsuit competition. “It will give us Bishops that much-needed opportunity to shine,” said Bishop Edgar Rowdy of the Great Lakes Area. “I wish this was around when I was elected. I’ve got an awesome liturgical dance based on Tertullian’s “Against Praxeas.”

Should the new television show prove successful, the church has other projects in the pre-production stage. In particular, the Methodists are working on a show that puts a new twist on its ordination process, Who Wants to Preach a Sermon? Church officials have set a target of Fall 2006 for the Mitre Muster’s debut.

The Good News Meets the Mean Streets

2005-10-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

Gerald Calvin, Staff Writer

The International Bible Society is always looking for new ways to induce people to read holy scripture. Over the years, IBS has produced specialty Bibles for teens, women, men, and more recently, for cowboys and motorcycle enthusiasts. Their latest product is designed to reach some of the most down-and-out people in society: prostitutes. The Word for Hos, due to hit the streets next week, is the culmination of several years of work.

A team of translators, Bible scholars and marketing experts prepared an entirely new paraphrase of the Old and New Testaments they call the Redlight Version. The language was chosen to appeal to ladies of the evening while maintaining the basic meaning of the biblical texts. An example of the new version is given below. It comes from the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well from “John’s Shout Out.”

Jesus went, “Yo, Bitch, give me some water.”

And she was like, “Why you gettin’ all up in
my business, Freak?”

And he was like, “I oughta smack you around
some, Girl. You don’t know who you’re messin’
with. If you did, you’d be begging to suck on my
water hose. And I ain’t playin’.

IBS Spokesman Paul Rosenbaum said the crew left no stone unturned in their research. “This was our most extensive effort yet,” he said. “Our people were so passionate about this they were volunteering to be a part of the project. I’ll bet some of our associates spent more time with the prostitutes than they did with their own families during that time.”

The project leader, John “Velvet Daddy” James, agreed. “There was 100% commitment from everyone here at IBS. The most important thing was to get the Gospel to them hos. Their salvation is all that matters.”

Time spent in the field was valuable not only for preparing the paraphrase, but also for creating study guides and other resources to meet the needs of streetwalkers. One guide that focuses on King David’s adulterous affair with Bathsheba encourages whores to refuse to serve married men. Another one, from Proverbs, gives tips on avoiding sexually transmitted diseases. Luke’s version of the Lord’s Prayer describes how a harlot can pray at all times--even while working.

The new edition comes bound in a sturdy mock leather cover, and the pages are faux vellum to resist stains. There will even be a built-in roach clip, pockets for clean needles, and a secret compartment for cash. The first shipments will be sent to selected markets, and free promotional copies will be given away in Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Chicago, New York and near the Capitol in Washington, D.C.

Spiritual Image Haunts Preschool

2005-07-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

Kyle Swedenborg, Staff Writer

If the song “Jesus Loves Me” is true, then he certainly has a strange way of showing it. The staff at Tiny Tots Preschool in Eugene, Oregon were shocked to find a lifelike image of Jesus in, of all places, a soiled diaper.

Magdalena Torres was changing the toddler affectionately known as “Atomic Billy” when she discovered the image. “At first, I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Torres. Then, because the face was so real, I thought someone was playing a trick on me. As I looked more closely, though, I could tell Jesus was right there in the poop.”

Site Director Jenna Petramayer was thrilled at the holy visitation. “To me, this proves that we have a very spiritual school. What we are doing here is blessed by the Lord. How else do you explain it?”

Not everyone, however, is convinced. One parent just turned her head away in disgust. “That’s gross. Throw that thing away!” she urged. Another parent had a different take on the dirty drawers: “It looks exactly like Fidel Castro,” he said. “That’s certainly not Jesus. You could make an argument for the disciple Thomas, but not Jesus. Still, though, its clearly Fidel.”

Petramayer and the staff kept the blessed diaper on display for as long as possible, but before long, the stench drove everyone outside. She then reluctantly threw the diaper into the dumpster out back. “It was sad, but I had to do it,” Petramayer said. “My girls were threatening mutiny.”

Some were asking why the Savior of the world would choose to show up in a preschooler’s diaper. Staff member Petramayer had her own ideas. “The pastor of this church is exceptionally holy,” she said. “This is a reflection of his deep spirituality.”

Arlene Linkle, secretary of Living Water Nazarene Church where the preschool is housed, listened to Petramayer’s explanation, and the secretary had her own reaction. “She said he’s holy?” Then, Linkle snorted with laughter until tears ran down her cheeks. The church’s pastor, Byron Barth, could not be reached for comment.

Staff member Torres will always remember the event. “No matter what else happens at this school, to have Jesus’ face displayed for us in such a beautiful, miraculous way taught us one lasting lesson: don’t ever try to save a messy diaper.”

Poor Reviews Mar Conference

2005-06-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

UPI--A flurry of activity marked the recent sessions of the Central Southwest Northern Annual Conference of The United Methodist Church, but by many accounts it was wasted effort. The nearly week-long meetings are devoted to prayer and worship as well as church business, but some leaders questioned the effectiveness of this year’s work.

Paula Zuzim, one of the Conference’s 918 members and president of Methodists for Movement, a group that supports liturgical dance, said, “It was a disaster. We did almost nothing we came here to do. Of all the legislation we passed, only one or two have the potential to make an impact on the life of the church.” Zuzim’s pastor, Rev. Jon Fuldemayer, agreed. “I came here with high expectations, but left feeling let down, like a cat squashed by an SUV--guts oozing out all over the place and everything.”

Even Bishop Emily Tudor, the Conference’s executive officer, had harsh criticism. “It sucked,” she said. “It was the suckiest suckfest I’ve ever been involved in. Suck, suck, suck!” A bystander reminded the Bishop that the Conference had passed a resolution earlier in the week barring the use of the word “suck” at its sessions. Tudor retorted, “Conference is over, suckface.” Then, she turned and stormed off.

Tudor’s words echoed the atmosphere of the entire week. A lay person from Graveside United Methodist Church summed up the feelings of most delegates in a tear-stained speech from the floor on the last day. “How can I go back to my church and tell them what happened this week? They expect me to return with stories of vital ministries and innovative leadership. They have come to expect that from our Conference, but this year, what can I say when I stand before their shining faces eager to hear my report? Nothing. I am ashamed.”

The Rev. Tom Chokowitz used a biblical image to describe the group’s failures. “We were like a Tower of Babble out there today. Get it? Hee hee.”

Of course, not every member of the Conference was as disillusioned. One of Methodism’s key advocacy groups, The Status Quotians, released the following statement: “We celebrate with our brothers and sisters in Christ the high achievements of our work this week.” The press release specifically referred to a resolution and a rule change passed by the delegates. The resolution affirmed, “in the strongest terms possible, that ‘Amazing Grace’ is a nice hymn.” The rule change settled a long-standing controversy in the Conference by specifically allowing the Bishop to recognize the birthdays of retired pastors who live in other states and are too old to attend the meeting.

The Status Quotians, however, were in the minority in their praise of the Conference. Most were of like mind with lay member Billy Tuesday. “We have sunk to a new low, and we were already in a pretty deep hole. Next year I’m bringing a pillow.”

Tom Molton, staff writer for Things That Suck magazine, also contributed to this story.