Churches Share Help with Al Qaeda

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

The War on Terror is a new kind of war. In order to fight this new war, the CIA has been using novel, untested techniques. The latest strategy is to enlist mainline Christian churches for the battle.

The CIA has been recruiting special agents from churches and denominational offices across the country. These agents will then infiltrate Al Qaeda cells in order to teach the terrorist groups one of the staples of modern church life: paperwork. The concept is that the more Al Qaeda is mired in bureaucracy, the less it is able to engage in effective terrorism.

A high-level CIA employee who spoke only on condition of anonymity (though his name rhymes with “Pomas Tarker”) was involved in the first wave of recruiting church members. He said the idea developed from a report that suggested that Al Qaeda is already suffering from organizational malaise. “We hope that by introducing church bureaucrats into Al Qaeda, we can speed the process, and that will lead to a rapid, widespread collapse [of the terrorist organization],” he said.

The September report was released by the Combating Terrorism Center at the United States Military Academy at West Point. The report includes memos from Al Qaeda supervisors who complain about questionable use of funds and sick leave, and failing to submit proper vouchers to Al Qaeda accountants.

The Los Angeles Times, in a story on April 16 (Sebastian Rotella, “Al Qaeda crosses the Ts in ‘terrorist’”), said, “[Captured documents] depict an organization obsessed with paperwork and penny-pinching and afflicted with a damaging propensity for feuds.”

The story also quoted a British official who said that the “blindingly obdurate nature” of the bureaucracy can be deduced from “the retirement packages they offered, the lists of members in Iraq, the insecure attitude about their membership, [and] the rifts among leaders and factions.”

This is precisely why using church members as undercover agents makes such good sense, insists the CIA employee whose name rhymes with Pomas Tarker.

“Churches already know how to do this stuff well,” he said. “Every mainline denomination in the land is up to its ears in paperwork, regulation and institutional doublespeak. They are worried about membership and paying the bills. As churches become more effective at maintaining their institutions, they are becoming less effective at fulfilling their primary mission.

“If we can infect Al Qaeda with that disease,” he continued, “then perhaps they’ll lose members as fast as our churches. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”

Form Before Function for This Disciple

Mark Knox, Staff Writer

If you are like most Americans, the end of the tax season leaves you flat. You have been invigorated by the process, and you wonder why complicated forms are not available every month. One man has come to your rescue.

Carl Smith-Marx, a CPA and elder of First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Forest River, New Jersey, realized the annual national letdown following April 15 is a thrilling opportunity for evangelism. About two years ago, Smith-Marx began working on a form he calls “1040-HS” (the “HS” stands for Holy Spirit) that would bring people to Christ.

He insists that it is the process that will make disciples. The questions begin like many other forms--name, address, social security number, dependents--before moving on to meatier questions such as “If you died tonight, do you know where you would go?” By the end, the nonbeliever has an opportunity to make a decision of faith. The final signature line is accompanied by a statement that declares the answers on the form are “true and correct to the best of my knowledge, and from this moment I renounce my sins and accept Jesus Christ into my heart.”

Anyone who completes the form can mail it back to Smith-Marx’s new non-profit called IRS, or “Inventively Rescuing Souls.” There is also an option to file electronically. “Be sure you file before the ‘dead line’ because there are no extensions,” says the IRS web site.

“Everyone knows,” said Smith-Marx in a telephone interview, “that the most effective part of the Billy Graham Crusade is that card. Everyone comes forward just to have the opportunity to fill out the card. It’s pure genius.”

Strangely enough, the one person who is not a believer in Smith-Marx and his plan is John David Cootie, Smith-Marx’s pastor. “Carl has a wonderful heart,” says Cootie, “but he drives me crazy with his forms. It was great when he developed a form for tracking our giving. Then, they just kept coming--forms for copier paper usage, communion inventory, even forms to track my sermon titles. And he wants me to fill them all out. He’s out of control.”

“I know some people doubt me,” said Smith-Marx. “Just remember, some people doubted Jesus, too. If you can imagine a world without forms, you have just conjured up the perfect picture of hell.”