2007 Readers' Poll Results

The first ever Aldersgate Gazette Readers’ Poll has concluded, and the results are both startling and disturbing. Mental health experts brought in to analyze the data agreed that the Gazette readership, as a whole, suffers from a number of psychological issues, probably brought on by their mothers.

RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION

The results in this category were as expected. For example, out of the 3,635 surveys received, more than 88% of those who responded were Hindu, owing to AG’s enormous popularity in India. The other major religious group represented among Gazette readers are the “Snake Handlers,” at about 6%. Since these churches are largely independent, this category includes a wide variety of theological perspectives, though all Christian. The two Roman Catholic Snake Handlers who filled out the survey were included in a separate category.

The remaining religious groups, all registering at 2% or less, were primarily Protestant Christian denominations, Wiccans, Dead Heads, Eastern Orthodox, Rastafarians and Democrats.

OCCUPATION

Nearly half of all respondents listed “clergy” as their occupation. This, according to experts, is particularly troubling, since these readers are highly unstable. The next largest category was “Satan’s assistant” at 22%. These respondents are the most well adjusted of all. The others were “education,” 10%; “other,” 8%, “student,” 7%; and “Elvis impersonator,” 4%.

WORD OF, ER, MOUTH

The editors were also surprised at how readers learned of the Gazette. About 75% first heard about the Gazette because they saw the URL written on bathroom walls or carved into toilet seats. As a result of this finding, the staff canceled all of its print advertising and gave every janitor in North America an AG tee shirt. More than 15% of readers heard about the Gazette in a voice from God.

A MILLION DOLLARS

Virtually all respondents said, if they had a million dollars, they would “blow it on hookers.”

NEW MUSIC

Of popular songs that should be converted to hymns, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was the big winner. Two-thirds of respondents said this Nirvana tune should add life to 21st Century churches. The “Macarena” by Rock and Roll Hall of Fame group Los del Rio was the number 2 choice. Other songs mentioned included “Signed, Sealed and Delivered,” “Whip It” and “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”

GOD’S MISTAKE

The most controversial category asked for God’s biggest mistake to date. The winner, by a narrow margin, was “llamas,” narrowly beating out “comb-overs” and the “designated hitter.” “Zoroastrianism” and “free will” also received a healthy percentage of votes.

CONCLUSION

The 2007 Readers’ Poll gives the first clear, comprehensive look at people of faith in the United States and India. It is a ground breaking study, and provides sociologists enough data to keep them employed in the coming year. The editors wish to thank all of the loyal readers who took the time to fill out the survey. If you were one of those who did, please see a psychiatrist at your earliest convenience.

Look for the 2008 Readers’ Poll next May.

Can a Blog Cure Cancer?

Readers of The Aldersgate Gazette represent the top tier of pastors, theologians, seminary faculty and other people with way too much time on their hands. AG is pleased to present its first Readers’ Poll to compile a picture of the typical Gazette connoisseur.

The primary purpose is to provide a marketing profile so that we can make gobs of money. Also, one editor mentioned some baloney about the mission of Jesus and serving our readers.

You are invited to participate by completing the survey between now and May 20, 2007. A report will appear in the Gazette on May 25, and will include representative responses from our readers.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The 2007 Readers' Poll has been completed. Look for the results on May 25.

Is Truth Dead in Religious Journalism?

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

Religion reporters are relying too much on faith rather than rigorous fact-checking to prepare their stories, says a recent report by the Society for Religious Journalism. The Society estimates that one in five published news stories in religious newspapers, magazines and other media contain "serious errors or distortions of facts."

The report, due to be released today at the Society's annual meeting in New York, says the worst offenders are Web-based journals, including those sites often called "blogs." On some sites the authors analyzed, two-thirds of all articles were "completely made up." Traditional print journalism also received harsh criticism. "Many articles in the [periodicals] studied were written by clergy, a class of people notorious for half-truths, propaganda and incomplete research."

Given the sensitive nature of the subject, most people interviewed for this story did not want to be identified. One senior editor at a well-known publication for Christian professionals thought the report set the bar for excellence too high. "We are human," the editor said. "We all make mistakes. How were we to know 'The Book of Todd' isn't in the Bible?"

Burton Mackerel, publisher of The Aldersgate Gazette, defended the work of his staff. "Everyone here knows that we expect the highest level of accuracy. I will not tolerate sloppy work. If even a single error reaches the pages of the Gazette, somebody will get fired."

Mackerel continued, "I am confident of our success in this area. We have a staff of six editors and 12 assistants whose sole job is to triple-check each minute detail of every story."

A quick reading of the AG staff directory revealed that no such fact-checking team exists. True to his word, Mackerel fired his secretary.

The Society for Religious Journalism's annual meeting begins today and runs through next Wednesday. The full report, "Truth Is Dead: Inaccuracy in American Religious Journalism," is available at the Society's website.