Maybe "Jesus" Isn't the Answer

Ruth Fox, Staff Writer

Jesus is the answer, and Guy Flanders discovered that the answer will get you thrown in the slammer. Flanders, the pastor of Calvary Presbyterian Church in Gainesville, Florida, was sentenced to 10 days in jail after the only response he would give to a judge was “Jesus.”

Three months ago, Flanders was deep in prayer when he saw a vision of Jesus hovering above the local Publix Super Market on a red-and-white checkered blanket. “Jesus looked right down at me,” Flanders wrote on his blog, “and said, ‘I am the answer to all your questions.’” Since then, he pledged to answer “Jesus” to every question. Flanders ended his blog address with a challenge to his flock: “This is the way to spread the holy name of Jesus across this land. I encourage you to join me.”

Although Flanders’ new policy annoyed his family and friends, it did not create any insurmountable obstacles. Then Flanders received a notice for jury duty. Consistent with his pledge, he wrote in the word “Jesus” for every answer on his jury questionnaire. He arrived for jury duty on a Monday morning.

“When Guy called me that morning and asked me to call a lawyer,” remembers his wife Susanna, “I could immediately tell there was something wrong. I tried to ask what was happening, but all he said was ‘Jesus.’”

Before Flanders’ lawyer could arrive, the pastor was brought before a judge. “What’s the meaning of this, Mr. Flanders?” the judge asked.

Predictably, Flanders answered, “Jesus.”

“You’re in serious trouble here, sir. You had better start giving me straight answers. Do you understand I could charge you with contempt?”

Flanders’ next “Jesus” got him 10 days. He is 8 days into his stay, and does not regret a moment. “I would do it again,” he wrote to his wife, “and the next time I get a jury summons, I probably will.”

His church’s deacons were not pleased with Flanders’ stunt. “We’re law abiding citizens around here,” said Pete Sturgess. “Guy has done some silly things before, but this time, the church’s name got dragged through the mud. That’s not right.”

Even Flanders’ wife is concerned. “I told Guy he should consider selling insurance. He’s not really a very good preacher.”

And Guy Flanders? What does he have so say about it? No one really knows because he just keeps saying “Jesus.”

Is Truth Dead in Religious Journalism?

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

Religion reporters are relying too much on faith rather than rigorous fact-checking to prepare their stories, says a recent report by the Society for Religious Journalism. The Society estimates that one in five published news stories in religious newspapers, magazines and other media contain "serious errors or distortions of facts."

The report, due to be released today at the Society's annual meeting in New York, says the worst offenders are Web-based journals, including those sites often called "blogs." On some sites the authors analyzed, two-thirds of all articles were "completely made up." Traditional print journalism also received harsh criticism. "Many articles in the [periodicals] studied were written by clergy, a class of people notorious for half-truths, propaganda and incomplete research."

Given the sensitive nature of the subject, most people interviewed for this story did not want to be identified. One senior editor at a well-known publication for Christian professionals thought the report set the bar for excellence too high. "We are human," the editor said. "We all make mistakes. How were we to know 'The Book of Todd' isn't in the Bible?"

Burton Mackerel, publisher of The Aldersgate Gazette, defended the work of his staff. "Everyone here knows that we expect the highest level of accuracy. I will not tolerate sloppy work. If even a single error reaches the pages of the Gazette, somebody will get fired."

Mackerel continued, "I am confident of our success in this area. We have a staff of six editors and 12 assistants whose sole job is to triple-check each minute detail of every story."

A quick reading of the AG staff directory revealed that no such fact-checking team exists. True to his word, Mackerel fired his secretary.

The Society for Religious Journalism's annual meeting begins today and runs through next Wednesday. The full report, "Truth Is Dead: Inaccuracy in American Religious Journalism," is available at the Society's website.

Baptist Cat Inspires Church

James Choate-Munitz

Members of Solid Rock Baptist Church in Short Pump, Virginia filed into the meeting hall expecting to approve a hometown boy for ordination. As they left several hours later, however, many members marveled over the fact that they had ordained a cat instead of the original candidate.

By the end of the next day, church pastor Robert Robertson had found no passage of scripture or church doctrine that explicitly forbade a church from ordaining a cat or any other pet. Robertson confirmed that at the evening service on Easter Sunday, Lowell, the 9-pound housecat owned by Solid Rock member Rick Hoover, will become the first known cat to be ordained by a Baptist church in the United States. Lutheran and Pentecostal churches have ordained cats on two previous occasions, both times in the mid-1960s.

The previous evening, 20-year-old Stephen Colton had arrived at Short Pump’s oldest Baptist church hoping to receive approval for his ordination. As church members were discussing the merits of Colton’s gifts and graces, Rick Hoover stood to speak. Hoover had been Colton’s 10th grade math teacher.

Hoover said, “I like Stephen as much as anyone in here, but I was his teacher. I mean no disrespect, but Stephen just isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, my cat’s probably smarter than Stephen.”

Mary Louise Gorfunkle, Hoover’s next door neighbor, agreed. “Lowell is pretty smart. He’s cute, too.”

Soon, other members of the congregation began to tell stories about Lowell, winner of Short Pump’s Cutest Cat competition in 2004 and 2006. At first, the tales seemed nothing more than typical stories, such as the cat rushing to the kitchen door when he heard the sound of his supper dish, or the adorable way he would leave decapitated rats on a neighbor’s front steps.

Soon, though, the real truth came out. Sylvia Grindel once heard Lowell meow the Lord’s Prayer. Art Samerson watched the cat prevent Samerson’s two-year-old son from walking into the street. Several parishioners claimed to have seen Lowell preaching God’s Word to stray dogs.

By the time the smoke had cleared, and after little actual debate, church members had approved Lowell for ordination. Unfortunately, for the eager Colton, no time was left for the body to take up the question of his ordination. Colton could not be reached for comment, but it is widely rumored that he flew to Brazil to become a missionary.

For now, residents of Short Pump are anticipating Lowell’s first sermon. He will preach at his Easter Sunday ordination service. Lowell’s owner thinks the cat will be ready. “Lowell is still taking all this in,” said Hoover. “This was a huge surprise for him, but if I know my cat, he’ll preach his heart out.”

New Technology Can Super Size Your Pastor

Samantha Tillich, Staff Writer

Church search committees spend months or even years looking for the right match between minister and congregation. A delay in hiring a new pastor can hamper critical ministries and cause turmoil among members. The era of receiving applications and hearing numerous trial sermons, however, may be coming to a close.

The Full Speed Ahead Leadership Group (FSA) has teamed up with the Genzyme Corporation to develop the first genetically modified line of SuperPastors, and their research may reach the market as early as 2010. FSA prepared a list of physical and psychological traits for the perfect minister, and Genzyme’s task is to translate those characteristics into a living, breathing human being.

FSA spokesperson Lily Swenson said the SuperPastor project will change the face of the Christian church’s ministry for the good. “This product will give churchgoers consistent, highly effective leadership and preaching. Within 50 years, every church in America will be able to acquire the type of pastor that only megachurches can afford in today’s economy.”

An FSA press release describes several of the key skills and traits that will be built into every model in the SuperPastor line, including a pleasant speaking voice, empathy, high endurance and the willingness to accept a low salary. Though selection will be limited initially, churches can request a specific gender along with preferences for hair, eye and skin color.

Genzyme will eventually produce many different models, each with a specific orientation, such as Mission, Urban, Suburban and Fortress Mentality. Before committing to a licensing agreement, each church will fill out a survey to identify which model would serve best in that particular setting. Genzyme has also begun work on developing a Youth Pastor model, though efforts in this area have shown far less promise.

Mark Regent, national director of Pastors Anonymous, fears that the new line of SuperPastors will put “natural” ministers at a competitive disadvantage. Regent has filed a lawsuit against FSA and Genzyme to halt production and prevent release of any SuperPastor models.

“These so-called SuperPastors will create cookie cutter churches,” said Regent. "Everything will be the same across the board. Local flavor will disappear entirely, not to mention the threat of greatly reduced genetic diversity among our clergy. A bad year of the bird flu could wipe out 80% of our pastors.”

The bird flu threat is apparently real, Regent asserts, because the scientific process to create a SuperPastor includes inserting pigeon chromosomes into pastoral genes. FSA spokesperson Swenson, however, claims that the process is safe. “The FDA approved the process in 1999. They saw no reason to halt our progress, so I’m not sure why a non-scientist like Regent thinks he knows better.” In addition to the bird chromosomes, Genzyme’s secret, patented process includes a mixture of gene therapy, selective breeding and the lifelong administration of an expensive drug cocktail.

Many rumors have circulated as to the original SuperPastor gene pool. The most common theory is that Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren, Willow Creek Community Church pastor Bill Hybels, and Episcopal priest Barbara Brown Taylor provided the original material. Then, after the first trial models, the scientists sought additional gene sequences to fine tune the first true SuperPastors.

So, do you think you might like a SuperPastor at your church? You may already have one! Twelve prototype SuperPastors have been deployed to churches across the country to test effectiveness and reliability. Since these are blind trials, Swenson would not release the names of the churches involved. She did say that apart from one accidental drowning during a baptism, the SuperPastors have performed well.